


Finding My Way Home

by Dep



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, F/M, Guilt, Murder, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-28 03:01:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dep/pseuds/Dep
Summary: After his long absence, Arthur Pendragon returns to Camelot, upon hearing for his father's death. He claims his crown as the rightful heir, but many things have changed since he disappeared in the dark of the night three years ago, including Morgana herself.~~~She almost glared at him. ''The Arthur I know has been gone for almost three years now. And I know he will never come back.'', was it sadness he heard in her voice? Longing, perhaps. He couldn't tell for sure.''I'm standing right in front of you, not even a meter away.''She ignored him. ''And do you want to know why, my lord?'', he frowned as she moved closer to him. ''Because, he's a coward.''Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, yet it ruined him and set fire to his insides all the same.





	1. The Great Return

_ **~** _

_ **I loved** _

_ ** And I loved** _

_ ** And I lost you** _

_ **~** _

The news of Uther Pendragon's death seemed just like a lighting in the dark night sky in a mid-winter's day. Out of sudden, but with a feeling of hope for a bright new future... Or so Morgana thought...

Without an heir, the war for the throne was just beyond their doorstep. She was not the rightful heir, just the late king's ward. She had to get married soon, otherwise many innocent people would die because of her... Yet, she was not ready for such a thing, nor she would ever be, truth be told...

''M'lady.'', a voice across the room was heard calling for her.

She turned her face away from the green field that was laying just before her eyes and looked at the young man with the dark red cape around his shoulders. ''What is it, sir Leon?''

A sad smile was flirting with the corners of his lips. ''Another letter arrived this morning.'', he informed her, handing her the white enveloper with a knowing signal on it.

A sigh left her lips, as she looked at it. She forced a kind smile on her face and thanked him, taking the letter in her hands. ''Thank you, Leon. You may go.'', she turned around, as he bowed respectfully and left her alone with her thoughts.

She kept holding the letter in her hands for seconds, even for minutes. She hesitated to read it... She knew what it was about, after all... Eventually, after a few more moments, she sat on her desk and gently removed the red signal. And then, she started reading.

_My Lady Morgana,_

_I know it has only been days since the last time I wrote you, yet still no sign of him. It has been over a month since the King's death and, even though he promised to show up to our meeting place, he never did. I fear that he never will... _

_Yet, even if I'm certain of that, I will not stop waiting till you order me to. _

_Until next time,_

_Respectfully yours, Lancelot_

Once done, she gently put it down, even though she felt like tearing it to pieces. _Damn you... _She had thought that by now he would have made them the honor to light their days with his presence. But no, oh no... He was obviously not the same, not anymore. That day ruined him, she knew... How could she not? She had been holding him in her arms, crying and pleading for some mighty forgiveness, all through the night.

A sob threatened to rise from her throat, but she hold it back. Now was not the time for that. The council was pressing matters upon her, forcing her to either give up the throne or marry some highborn lord. She had days, but now it was over. It was time for a decision. And he had left her no choice...

God, how she wanted to hate him, for all he unknowingly had put her through... She had not choice left! Time and time again, she would find herself counting the times she had been left without any choice. And she hated it, how she hated it! And she wished to feel hate for the one person who had left her behind, leaving like a thief in the dark deep night. She wanted to scream at his face, _it was all his damn fault_! Though, she knew... He was not to blame...

A knock on the door woke her up of her daydreaming. ''Come in.'', she called, letting our an exhausted little breath while fixing her hair.

Her servant's black hair popped behind her closed doors. ''My lady.'', he bowed slightly. He then smiled with a smile that reached just a little above the corners of his lips. She knew what that meant. ''The Great Council awaits you.''

She almost felt like throwing up from the pressure. She breathed in deep and nodded. She tried to put on her best smile while walking past him. Almost in time, he gently touched her shoulder. She looked up at him with curiosity.

''Are you alright?'', he asked, his voice as smooth as velvet and she found herself yearning for this kind of behavior. It has been ages since anyone cared for how she felt...

She once again smiled, happy to see him care. ''Don't worry, Merlin. I'm fine.''

And then, she walked away. Once in front of the Meeting Hall's giant doors, she allowed herself to calm down and take in some deep breaths. _Everything was going to be fine_, she kept repeating to herself. She even kept saying this when all of council's member's eyes laid on her.

_Everything was going to be bloody fine..._

_~~~_

The Great Hall was filled with people dancing and gossiping around, and the sweet smell of wine. Everything was carefully made to impress, from the delicious food served on every table to the skillful orchestra send to entertain them, to Morgana herself.

She was sitting alone in the highest table, far from them all, watching and observing. Or so it seemed... She was more drown in her thoughts then paying attention to any of the men send here to win her heart -or actually, her hand in marriage and the power it would follow with it. She was already too tired of them all and yet, the night still wasn't half done.

Eventually, she knew, she'd have to pick someone out of her twenty suitors. And if she wasn't any wiser, she would swear this alone was the hardest thing she had to do. The Council's orders were clear:

_You don't get to choose by looks, my lady, but by the power that comes with it. And you better choose wise._

And though she was never one to follow orders, she knew that this time she had no choice left. She was not the rightful heir, only a Regent until her future husband ruled as king. Unless...

No,_ that was not happening_, she had to force herself not to think of it. He was never coming back. His actions spoke clearly of it.

Just as she was about to stand up and walk to the crowd of men, a tall shadow loomed over her. She raised her eyes and instantly came to meet a black pair looking right to her.

_Cenred_. She knew he would be here.

She offered him a soft smile. ''My lord.''

He bowed, giving her one of his famous smiles, his hair fell over his sharp cleaned face. It's been ages since she last saw his face clean of beard. ''My lady Morgana.'', his eyes glowed, with lust she could tell. And how could he not, she was a beauty; a temptation herself and she knew it. _This was his favorite dress_...

She shook her head, trying not to think of him. Instead, she focused on the man in front of her. ''It's been a long time since we last spoke properly. I hope your trip was peaceful.''

''Indeed it was, my lady, thank you for your concern.'', he let his eyes roam all over her and then stand on her own. ''I remember when you were but a little girl and I a boy of fifteen summers.I can say you've grown into a gracious woman.''

She smiled, truthfully this time. When was the last time someone made her feel beautiful? Probably a long, long time ago. She walked towards him, keeping her smile on. ''I can say the same thing for you.'', and it was true. He had grown into a handsome man and a just king for his kingdom. She knew he would be a great choice for Camelot.

He gave her his arm to lean on. ''Would you give me a dance?'', his voice was smooth, with an accent similar to hers. She liked it.

She nodded, embracing her arm around his. ''Of course.''

And she danced and danced like she used to, in the arms of a man who longed for her. And she flirted and smiled and allowed herself to have some fun. And she loved every minute of it.

Cenred was a tall and handsome man,with a mischievous glow in his eyes that matched hers and a soft smile. He was known for the peace he offered to his kingdom and how good of a job he did as king. And, of all men that danced with her, she knew he was the most fitting for the role of the King. And, perhaps, in time she would grow to love him as her husband.

It was almost midnight when she allowed herself to rest for a little bit. The candles burned low and her throat was in need of some liquor. As soon as she found herself a cup of wine, Gwen appeared in-front of her.

''Gwen!'', she greeted her beloved friend, laying a loving eye on her belly. ''I thought you were resting.''

The girl offered her a warm smile. ''I was, but I can only do so much with a belly this big...'', she almost frowned, but then she began rubbing it gently. Morgana only nodded, drinking more of her wine and offering her friend some food. As the wife of a Knight, Gwen herself was now a lady and allowed to enjoy the goods beside her friend without any fear of judgement. But still, she kindly denied her. ''I wished to ask... Have you any news of Lance?''

She smiled, putting her cup down and offering a sit. ''Yes, I got a letter from him this morning. He's fine and he's coming home soon.''

Even though the relief was evident in her friend's face, she still chose to ask. ''What about...him...?''

She turned her eyes to her cup, looking deep into it at her reflection. ''No news.''

Gwen opened her mouth, but couldn't find the right words to say anything. She found it terrible that he, of all people, who abandon Morgana in a situation like this. It was so selfish and she didn't deserve a fate like that! Yet, she knew, there was little to non she could do. She could only pray for him to come back, as she did every night from the moment he left. To set her friend free once again...

''My lady.'', a voice called behind them. Agravaine was all in black when he stood beside them. He only nodded to Gwen before turning back to Morgana. They all knew he still didn't think of her any higher than a mere servant and as far as Gwen was concerned, that was totally fine.

Morgana, on the other hand, had a different idea... ''It's not only I you see, my lord, so you better act like your respectful parents raised you to.'', she reminded him, raising a perfect eyebrow to him.

She could see him gritting his teeth annoyed, but still he smiled kindly. Turning to Gwen, he slightly bowed his head. ''My lady.'', she only offered him a tiny smile before excusing herself. Once all alone, he made known the reason he approached her in the first place. ''I hope you have a loving evening, your Grace. And, of course, that you have picked by now a suitable husband for your likes... and Camelot's...''

She sighed, too tired to have this conversation that very moment. ''Yes, Agravaine, inform the council that I'll announce my decision tomorrow morning.''

He only smiled -an ugly one, if she could say- and then left her all alone once again. Sighing, she made her way to Cenred.

_Yes_, she thought. She had made her choice. She only prayed to be proven right... For the sake of them all...

~~~

The next morning, she slowly made her way towards the Meeting Hall,alongside Merlin.

She let out a tired breath for the millionth time since they left her room. ''Are you sure about this? Like, one hundred percent sure? Because, if you're not, that's fine, we can ask Gaius to persuade them to grant you a couple days more or even a month! Or we could-''

She suddenly turned to him, cutting him off. ''Merlin!'', she almost shouted, glaring at him. He immediately stopped talking, offering her an innocent tiny smile. ''Could you please stop talking?''

He sighed, defeated. ''I only want the best for you. You're my friend and I ca-''

''I know.'', she cut him off once again. ''I care about you too, Merlin. But, it's my duty to offer Camelot the best I can. And if marrying Cenred can provide that, then I will.'', she tried to smile, a poor excuse of trying, but still Merlin gave up, bowing his head.

She was right and he knew it. He might not have encountered the prince more than a couple of times before he disappeared, but still, he hated him for what he was putting her through. He only wished he could help her and he knew he would have, if only she hadn't dragged him back to Camelot every time he went off in search of the prince.

''_If you too leave me, then I'll have no one. And, I hate to admit it, but I won't survive without your support._'', she had told him the last time he had tried to leave and that was the last time they both spoke about him.

The big wooden doors closed behind them when they entered the Hall. He stood at the corner, watching her closely, feeling his heart beating slower and slower with sorrow.

Morgana stood before the council members, all mighty and gracious. Her red dress with gold details made her look like a Pendragon herself, a Queen even. It made her look so strong and sure of herself. She needed that.

''Good morning, my lords.'', she greeted them.

They all nodded in response. ''Good morning, my lady. We hope you had a great night. And that, finally, you have chosen our future king.''

She nodded slightly, taking a deep breath. ''Yes. I-'', but then, a sudden noise interrupted her just behind the closed door. The sound of clashing swords and grunts were heard and all lords took off their own swords, while she tightly held her dagger. She glanced towards Merlin and just as she was about to tell him to go hide behind the curtains, the doors opened wide.

A man entered the hall, half laughing at the unconscious knights behind him. ''Really, someone has to train them properly... They were two against one and they didn't even give me a single scratch!'', he almost complained.

And while everyone began murmuring and asking who the hell he was, she knew exactly. How could she not, after all? Even behind that blonde thick beard that now covered his beautiful face and his worn-out clothes, she would recognize those piercing blue eyes anywhere in the world.

''Arthur...'', she breathed, too shocked to properly speak.

He smiled to her, eyeing her. ''Red always suited you, 'Gana.''


	2. Nothing Stays The Same

** _~~~_ **

** _I've waited way too long, yeah, I know you've changed_ **   
** _You have a different face to me_ **   
** _I guess that I was wrong, I'm the one to blame_ **   
** _And that's a shame you see_ **

** _~~~_ **

Everything moved into a blurry from that moment on. Men encircled Arthur, asking questions. A strange glow was in their eyes, _fear_ he could tell. They _feared_ him. Good... He was not the same boy they could order around like a lost puppy. Not anymore.

He glanced over to Morgana, just once. Her face was pale, as if she had seen a ghost, a shadow of an once too familiar thing. Her emerald lakes were pale and cold, intensely facing the ground, as if millions of thoughts were battling inside her mind. A small smile made its way up his face, barely noticeable. She wore red and gold, the colours of his house and family. She looked like a Queen and he couldn't feel more proud. He knew she would take good care of his kingdom, 'till his return. And he was right. She never disappointed.

Suddenly, in a hurry, she rushed out of the Council Hall, leaving him alone with the counselors. He fought against every fiber of his being to not to run after her. He knew it was all too much, too soon, too sudden for her. He felt it in the way her body tensed, she was furious. And he knew she had every right to be...

Taking a deep breath, he concentrated on answering their millions of questions. He knew it would be a long day and an even longer night...

**~~~**

Later that evening he was all freshly cleaned, clothed and standing by the window in his old chambers. He was running a hand over his beard, time and time again. It was trimmed and cleared, yet still there. A reminder of who he had become.

Morgana hadn't talked to him yet and even though he only wished to speak with her, he kept his distance. In less than an hour from then, she would officially be welcoming him back to Camelot and recognizing him as the rightful heir for all the ambitious lords to see. She would step back from her position. She'll no longer be in need, not to the throne, not to the kingdom. But him... He probably needed her then more than any other time in his life. And the fact that from the very first moment, the only thing she showed him was her indifference, ached him more than anything else ever did.

A knock on the door cut him off his thoughts. He exhaled, repositioning himself against the window. ''Come in.''

The heavy door cracked lightly and a dark-browned head made its appearance. He lowered his eyes and met a tiny bump with a slightly swollen hand carefully on top of it. He instantly smiled. ''Congratulations, Gwen.''

She only smiled, making an effort to bow to him. ''Thank you, my lord.''

He offered her a seat and some water, yet she refused him. He then knew it. The day he left had changed them all. Her smile didn't light up her eyes anymore. Gwen was surely not the same sweet servant girl he had left behind. He was now facing a lady whose husband was a honorable knight of Camelot. Lancelot always wore her favor tightly against his arm. Its yellow colour always made him smile and think back, when a purple one was carefully wrapped around his own.

''Thank you, my lord.'', he heard her say again after a couple of minutes. Arthur cocked his head, narrowing his eyes. ''For saving Morgana from doing a grant mistake.'', she explained, yet he still looked confused. It was her turn now to frown. ''You didn't know?''

''Know what?''

She curled her lips and crossed her arms. _Perhaps the old Arthur was not that gone... ''_'Seconds before you broke through the doors, Morgana was going to announce the future king of Camelot.''

His eyes widened. ''What?! I'm the prince! I'm the rightful heir to the throne! She had no righ-''

''She had every right to do as she thought best from the moment you gave up on her and your rights to the throne!'', she almost screamed the words to his face, clenching her fists.

He saw her breathing heavily and instantly moved her to sit. He gave her some water and rubbed his neck while watching her drink it.

''I'm sorry, Guinevere, I...'', he began to explain himself but soon lost track of his thoughts. She was going to give his thrown to someone else... She wished to get rid of it...

''You got angry, I know. I understand, Arthur. But she doesn't and she has every right to.''

He turned his back on her, heading towards the window. He trusted his right on her and she was willing to let him down. Morgana had sure changed...

Standing in front of it, he looked down and caught a glimpse of her raven hair. She no longer wore red, just a dark green dress. She walked along with a dark haired servant. He knew the boy, he used to be his servant for a few days before he disappeared. They seemed close... Maybe he was the reason she wanted so badly to leave her responsibilities behind.

He took in a deep breath. ''Lancelot should be here by now. I'm sure you've missed your husband dearly.'', he told her. The air suddenly changed, a warm feeling embraced him. _The love of a woman... _He slowly turned to face her, a tiny smile was formed. ''Thank you, my lady.'', he thanked her and he meant it. That information had helped him see more clearly.

With her heart beating faster, she nodded and excused herself, almost running to greet her man back in her arms.

He kept his smile on and turned back to the window. He spotted her just below the stairs. Her shoulders stood proud and her laugh could be heard up to him. Just when Lancelot made his appearance around the corner, he saw Gwen almost running down the stairs. He jumped on the ground just in time to catch her in his arms and he raised her high, before giving her a lovingly kiss on the lips. Just meters away, Morgana and that servant boy were smiling warmly to them.

An uneasy feeling was wrapping itself around his throat, but he chose to ignore it. If she wanted her freedom, then he would gladly give it to her.

**~~~**

When he entered the Great Hall later that night, all eyes laid upon him. He recognized many of those lords. Many of them had turned their backs on him when some years ago he had asked their alliance to bring down his father. Uther Pendragon was a feared man, he knew. Arthur had every will to be dreadful.

As he walked proudly among them all, his every step took him closer to her. While he was all dressed in red and gold, she stood before him like the fairest bride of them all. Her gown was a pure white, it shined with the light, making her seem divine. A creature out of this world. He stood for a second before her, trying to catch his breath. _She was magnificent._

She was graceful and her voice could be heard for all the lords to hear that their prince was back. She gave him a weak smile, an almost unnoticed one. And then he knew: it would be hard to make her forgive him.

At the feast, she danced and laughed with Cenred. He knew that bastard, he was the first to turn his back on him and his rebellion. _He was a coward! _How he longed for his fist to crush to his skull... Yet he kept himself to his seat, as he continued to listen to what the other lords had to say. Though, it was more than once that he found himself searching her with his eyes. He felt a little happier every time he spotted her laughing, although he would prefer it if all her laughs belonged to him and only him.

And when he saw that coward pulling her closer to him and kissing the top of her head, he was damn sure of it: that same night, he would confront her for her behaviour.

~~~

It was past midnight when he found his way to her chambers. His memory didn't fool him, even in his half-drunken condition, he remembered the way the hall smelled of her perfume. And, to his surprise, it wasn't only him who wandered at such an hour outside her door.

'' Is there anything else I can do for you, m'lady?''

He nearly cursed under his breath. _That damned boy_... He would fire him, exile him, _kill him!_, if he ever even breathed beside her again!

''No, Merlin, that will be-'', she cut off her answer once she saw him standing by her door. Her eyes glowed with fury, yet she chose to just breathe heavily out, almost too exhausted to even look at him. _She broke his heart even without speaking a single word..._

The servant looked his way, suddenly looking too alarmed. Arthur raised a single eyebrow, as well as his chin. He was the prince. He was to be the damned king! He would do well to fear him and obey him... He was not a boy, not anymore!

''M'lady?'', he asked for permission to leave, to make sure she'd be safe with _him_ of all people. Arthur wished to laugh at his face and tell him to get out of his sight before he regretted it, but still chose to lay his eyes on her, waiting impatiently for her answer.

She clenched her jaw, offering a short unsure nod. Merlin looked at her for a long moment before moving towards him. He passed him, almost giving him a warning eye and Arthur wished for nothing more than to pin him against the doorframe and show him his place.

''Goodnight.'', Merlin said and that was the last Arthur heard of him, before practically shutting the door to his face.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself. He moved closer to her table, offering himself a cup of red wine. ''You've grown too close with common servants.'', he commented without even looking at her. Her silence was her only answer and he found himself longing to hear her voice, even if it was only for her to yell at him.

He heard her moving and when he turned, she was standing by the window, with her hands tightly around her chest.

''What can I do for you, my prince?'', her voice was cold and colourless. Nothing like how it used to be.

It took him a longer minute to respond. Her waving raven locks and her dull red eyes were such an unusual thing for him to witness. _It's been so long... _Her pale face was even paler than he remembered and her beautiful eyes looked too dull and lifeless. It seemed like the longest of time since her lips last rose to a smile, or at least a grin. He missed her, so,so much.

An impatient eyebrow suddenly rose, while she watched him intently. And then, he snapped.

''Don't fucking call me _that_!''

''How should I call you then, _my prince_?'', she was mocking him and he hated it. _And loved it all the same._

He took small _warning_ steps towards her. She didn't move a nerve. ''My name is Arthur, Morgana. I'm sure you remember it, too well to be exact.''

She almost glared at him. ''The Arthur I know has been gone for almost three years now. And I know he will never come back.'', was it sadness he heard in her voice? Longing, perhaps. He couldn't tell for sure.

''I'm standing right in front of you, not even a meter away.''

She ignored him. ''And do you want to know why, my lord?'', he frowned as she moved closer to him. ''Because, he's a coward.''

Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, yet it ruined him and set fire to his insides all the same.

He glared at her, gritting his teeth. ''You wanted to pass my throne to someone else! Only so you could get rid of it! I was going to come fucking back, Morgana! I _wanted_ to!'', he exploded, his fury hot and burning every fiber of his body.

She bared her teeth, the all too familiar vein pulsing in her temple, evident of her own fury. ''I was going to sacrifice my own freedom for your damn throne! I was going to marry someone so we could bring peace to the ruins and debris your father left behind! The ones _you_ left behind! If you were not there, if you were even a fucking second late, I would have sealed my fate! Because of you and your cowardice, I was willing to give up my life to be the best for your people!'', she suddenly stopped and he noticed how her palms spasmed behind her gown. She breathed in and out, clearly trying to calm herself. Her eyelids were closed and he could swore he saw her eyes glowing gold underneath them, but he just shook his head. Clearly, he too was too angry to see clear...

After the longest moment, she finally spoke once again. ''You left me, Arthur. You gave up on me, like our friendship was nothing to you. I...I could have helped you... If only you had given me the chance, I would.''

Her eyes glowed under the moonlight, the unshed tears could be clearly seen. And she didn't care, she finally could let her emotions wash away her existence and she wouldn't give a damn... It's been too long since she could free herself like that and Arthur could clearly see it now in the way her eyes watered and her body leaned against the wall. She was tired, exhausted, and it was his fault. _All of it_.

He hung his head low, running a hand over his face. ''I...I'm sorry, 'Gana.''

''It's too late.'', her voice was cold when it reached his ears.

They both couldn't stand it any longer. Behind the safety of their doors, they both broke down.

That night, Arthur prayed for her forgiveness. If there was a God and he still listened to him, he prayed to lead her back to his arms.

For Camelot. For _him_. He needed her by his side.


	3. The Charming wannabe-knight, the runaway princess and the disappointment of a son

To say that the following days were hard would be an understatement. He could almost see potential enemies from every corner of his eyes. He knew that that newfound interest and respect in every lord's words was nothing but a show for his eyes.

He felt like leaving again. He had forgotten how hard it was to tolerate such behaviors. It pained him but it was no wonder that Morgana wished for someone to share such a burden with.

_If only she had chosen him... They were meant to rule together..._

He felt so terribly alone and unwanted. Gwen was referring to him only in the most respective of ways, while Lancelot was more friendly. He couldn't shake from his mind how that servant boy of Morgana's almost looked at him with... was it hate or just mere dislike? He didn't really care to know. He was for one thing sure: the damn feeling was mutual.

He drifted his gaze from the boring old man, who for the past half hour was explaining to him what new laws had Uther voted in the last three years of his absence. He knew most of them. Word spread fast and with his father's obsession with anything that had to do with magic, he could only imagine what horrible laws the famous Uther Pendragon had come up with.

He spotted her a few meters away, in a far distanced corner, hiding her sweet laugh behind a soft hand, while that boy was also hiding his laugh behind his red scarf. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.

_He felt so damn alone... And she wouldn't even steal a glance towards his way..._

He took a sharp breath in and eyed the old man again. He guessed the fury from within had come up to show its self from the depths of his eyes, as the lord instantly stopped and gulped.

'' Is everything alright, my prince? '', the man gently asked him, frowning with pretended worry.

Arthur almost glared towards him, yet he succeeded in holding his wrath back. He inhaled some air and unclenched his fists. He opened his eyes and offered a tiny assuring smile. The room was silent and everyone watched his every move. Even her.

''Yes, m'lord. Please inform the rest of lords that everything will be postponed until next week, when I'll be rightfully in charge of Camelot. '', he stood up, his shoulders stood proud. He wore no crown, yet a King was standing among them all. He was destined to rule, it was in his very blood. '' The coronation will be held in seven days from now. Until then, I'd like all the books that contain my father's laws in my chambers. ''

The man bowed his head. '' Yes, my prince. ''

Arthur looked each of the council's members in the eye. Once he met those famous emerald eyes, he spoke once again. '' Let it be known, a new era will soon begin. ''

And while everyone agreed, only she stood silent. A shadow of doubt could be seen in her eyes. He swore to soon change that.

* * *

* * *

Later that evening, he was sitting in his chambers. He had been studying the law books for several hours already and the sun was close to set. He rubbed his temple, trying to sooth the headache. Three out of five of the books were full of laws condemning magic people. Innocent people. _How many lives had been lost for the sake of a sick mind,_ he wondered. More than he could count, of that he was sure.

He stood up from his seat and got closer to his window. He looked outside as a white horse entered the royal stables, followed by a dark brown one. He clenched his fists once he saw who the riders were.

That bastard Cenred was helping her from her horse, touching her tiny waist and feeling her smooth hands over his shoulders. They seemed close, surely closer than they were, and that alone was enough to drive him mad. He didn't trust him with her. God, he wouldn't even trust his dog with him, let alone his lady!

_She is not yours_, a voice from within reminded him. _Perhaps once, but not anymore. All because of your selfishness._

He pushed that thought back almost with force. Gritting his teeth, he let out a sigh. Morgana would once again be his. His support. His friend. His most trusted ally. His adviser. And, perhaps-

A sudden knock stopped his trail of thoughts. Without taking his eyes off the pair, he yelled an irritated ''come in''. What he heard was beyond his imagination.

''My, my, I thought that damn beard would be at last shaved off!''

He instantly turned to look at the man. He was smirking, while Arthur let out a loud laugh and rushed to him. ''You bastard, I thought you were dead!'', he happily hit his back and hugged him in a manly way.

Gwaine laughed hard and raised an arrogant eyebrow. ''You know you'll never get rid of me, not that easily at least.'', he stepped back and raised his white shirt to his toned chest. ''But that horned bitch left something to remind me of her.''. A deep scar was running all across his chest, starting from his left shoulder and leading down to his right side. The prince almost gasped at the sight, but he would be lying if he claimed that he hadn't seen worse. His friend was lucky enough to not loose an arm or leg, or worse, his very life!

Arthur smirked, in an attempt to bright up the mood. ''I hope you'll keep it in your pants from now on, then.''

Gwaine laughed even harder than before. ''Lesson learnt, royal prick! You know me, though, I couldn't keep my hands to myself even if my life depended on it...''

The prince filled up two cups of red delicious wine and offered him one. ''I never got to thank you, though.'', he took a seat and nodded him to do the same. Gwaine sat across him and drank from him cup, smiling softly. ''You saved my life, that day. If it wasn't for you, I-''

''Please, don't get emotional over such a small thing. I knew you were a princess, but I didn't think your condition was that serious.'', he laughed once again when he received a royal glare. Once he calmed down, he spoke. ''Just give me a bed, wine and a woman to pass the day 'till I get on the road again.''

''There's no way you're leaving.'', Arthur was serious about this and Gwaine could see it in his eyes. ''You'll stay right here, by my side.''

''My, my, you love me after all.'', he chuckled, while the prince hid his smile behind his cup.

''I wonder, who saved you?'', he asked and in an instant, Gwaine was no more cheerful.

''That's a... bitter story...'', he murmured.

Just before Arthur could get to ask him the details, a woman shouting was heard from outside his door. They both rushed and opened it, only to come face to face with a short woman who was being dragged by a guard from his door. Really, it was more like trying to get her claws off him first and then trying to take her away. Arthur felt pity for the man and decided to interfere.

''Mithian, please, get those things off my guard's face.''

She instantly turned and glared at him. ''That son of a bitch called me a thief and then tried to take me to the dungeons! Is this how you welcome your darling, sweetheart?''

Arthur rolled his eyes and signaled Leon to let her go. The poor knight widened his eyes and bowed his head shamefully.

''I'm terribly sorry, my prince! I had no idea she was your-''

''It's alright, Leon, you did your duty. Please, go treat your scratches.'', he glared towards the young brunette. ''I'll deal with her myself.''

Mithian smirked towards his way and ran to him, throwing her arms around his wide shoulders and dragging him to her embrace.

''I missed you so much!'', she almost yelled from her excitement and he could only chuckle.

''I missed you too, Mith.'', he kissed her hair softly and nodded her to join Gwaine and him for a cup of wine.

Just as he was about to enter his chambers, to felt someone digging holes in his back. He looked towards the far end of the hall and he almost gasped.

Morgana was standing there still, frowning deeply. Her crystal emerald eyes looked his way with... was it disappointment what he saw? She shook her head and before he could even speak a word, she disappeared.

He sighed and closed his door behind him. He would never understand her...

He heard laughs and he saw Mithian laughing almost hysterically, while Gwaine looked annoyed, all the while hiding a soft smile behind his cup.

Gwaine's brown eyes glowed up. ''A toast, to our reunion! To the charming wannabe-knight, the runaway princess and the disappointment of a son!''

They all laughed and toasted, speaking about the last half year of their lives.

Arthur came to know that Mithian was the one who saved Gwaine from that monster. She found him laying on the cold ground, all beaten up, bloody and bruised. She took him and tended to his wounds. He was too proud to admit, but truth was, he would have died if she hadn't found him.

The prince felt grateful, yet also guilty. He had listened to Gwaine when he shouted for him to run away. He had chosen to flee and leave his best friend behind. Maybe Morgana was right after all... He indeed was a coward.

''What's wrong?'', Mithian asked and rubbed his shoulders.

Arthur let out a sigh and lowered his gaze. ''I just feel-''

''Guilty.'', his friend cut him off. ''I told you, it was my damn decision.'', Gwaine stood up and moved to the window. A few silent moments passed. ''Between the two of us, your life matters the most.'', Arthur tried to speak but Gwaine glared him. ''If there is someone in this room who can turn things around for the better, it is you.'', he smirked and added playfully: ''And also, I'd like to have some wounds to show off to the girls. They can't resist such a fierce warrior in their beds.''

Mithian murmured something not keen to the ears, while Arthur laughed hard.

For the first time since he came back, he felt at home. Not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the long delay! Life and studies got in the way, but I think I'm back now!  
So, I was in dire need of doing something creative and here it is! I've got so many ideas for this story, I hope I'll be able to share them all with you!  
Thank you all for your patience, I hope it was worth it!  
Until next time (which I'm planning on being soon), stay safe and stay positive! Hopefully, this terrible phase will be soon over for good!
> 
> P.S.: note any grammar mistakes freely! I was in a hurry to upload and didn't really checked for any mistakes.
> 
> P.S.: please recommend any song you think fitting of this chapter! I'm having a hard time finding one! Thank you in advance! :)


	4. The Promise

Arthur felt like the next morning came more easily than the last ones since he came back. He opened his eyes, though, and groaned, as he felt Mithian's hand over his face. He gently put it over her side, got up and stretched his arms, taking in the beautiful sight of the sun. He wrapped the blanket around her and looked around in confusion. Before he could say something, he heard someone chuckling behind him.

''My, my, I had forgotten how much you look like a princess while sleeping.'', Gwaine was biting on an apple, while sitting by the window and looking outside, bare-chested. His hair was a mess, but so was Arthur's.

''Fuck you.'', he groaned and got behind his paravan to change into fresh clothes, listening to Gwaine's soft laughing and Mithian's snoring.

A knock was heard and then the door opened. Next thing he heard was Gwaine's whistling. Arthur rolled his eyes and got around the paravan, while buttoning up his white shirt. ''Could you please not drool over my serv-MORGANA!'', he almost yelled and much like her, he stood still in complete shock. ''Uh-you know... it's-it's not what-''

''Save it, my prince. What you do in your bedroom is not my concern...'', she ran her eyes all over Gwaine, while he was smirking her way. ''… or who, for that matter.''

He almost groaned in embarrassment, just in time for Mithian to get up from the bed and look towards Morgana, clearly displeased. ''What's all the riot about?'', she asked, rubbing her eyes.

Morgana swallowed, in an attempt to hold her smart tongue for herself, Arthur guessed. She tried to offer a kind smile her way, an act which caused Arthur great surprise. _What the hell had happened to his hot-headed Morgana...?_ ''Princess Mithian. Long time no see.'', both men raised their eyebrows in surprise, while Mithian just got up and offered her a sweet smile.

''Lady Morgana. You surely have heard the stories.''

Morgana nodded. ''I have. No wonder to run away.'', she gazed over her shoulder to Arthur and added: ''Too many responsibilities, after all.''

Mithian chuckled and grabbed an apple. ''Oh no, my lady. My duties were nothing compared to my father's demands.''

The green-eyed woman lightly nodded. ''I see.'', she turned to Arthur, who looked at her guilty. He didn't even know his crime, yet he knew from the way her cold gaze held his, he had screwed up. ''My prince, I came to inform you of your duties. There are some things that demand your presence. Mere little things, that mostly have to do with your coronation. It'd be wise for you to attend.'', before he could speak a word, she had greeted all of them and then fled from his chambers.

Arthur rubbed his face in frustration and sealed his belt around his waist.

''My... She's such a fierce beauty... Her eyes are all fire and fury!'', Gwaine sighed and everyone could almost see hearts from his eyes.

Arthur glared at him. ''Shut the hell up and stay away from her.'', he growled his way. And before any of them could question him, he had left his chambers in a hurry.

God knew how he would solve this huge misunderstanding... It seemed a habit of hers, to appear at the worst of situations... Although, he had no idea why was it wrong in the first place, but something in his guts told him that he had fucked up. And, sadly, it wasn't the first time...

* * *

* * *

Morgana had managed to keep her distance as much as possible for the rest of the days. Although, there was little she could do, as she was one of his counselors, she had spared herself from any more awkward situations. Including, of course, a talk with him. He had seemed eager to speak with her, he had even gone as far as to invite her for dinner, something that had caused her extremely huge irritation.

He was clearly with Mithian, for God's sake! He had ordered for the chambers next to his to be emptied and ready for her to stay in. She slept every night for the last days next to his chambers, if not next to him!

Morgana was fuming with anger. Of course, it was for Mithian's honor. She may had abandoned her duties as a princess, but still, she was one in name. She was even an old friend of hers! She wouldn't sneak behind her back and dine with him, she could never do such a thing!

Gwen, though, had other ideas... She had insisted on her going, claiming that some talking would prove useful for either of them. She had just glared and scoffed. Talk was never their thing, she knew, and it surely wouldn't become now. Him and her alone in a room would be inappropriate... Especially since there were already whispers about the tension between them and Mithian's potential role in his life.

No, Morgana was sure of it. Them alone would serve to no good.

And then, there was another huge problem...

''Will you please just smile a little?'', Gwen whined, doing her hair. She didn't have to, but it was a habbit of theirs since when she was her servant. A bonding moment, actually, than just service. ''Do a pregnant woman a favor and smile!''

She sighed and shook her head lightly. Gwen's firm hold on her hair and glare through the mirror kept her in place, though. ''You know I can't.''

''Why not? We're celebrating a new era!'', she exclaimed happily. Even though she herself has been keeping her distance from the prince, she felt hopeful for what the future hold for them after the beginning of his reign.

Morgana kept her eyes everywhere except from the mirror. Gwen raised a confused eyebrow, clearly alarmed. Something was not right... ''Morgana...?'', her friend kept avoiding her gaze, so she held her chin and forced her to look at her. ''Please, tell me, what is troubling you?''

Morgana sighed, defeated. ''Gwen, I'm... I'm horrible...'', the lady murmured on the verge of crying.

''Hush, sweetie, of course you're not! You're the best person I know! You have always stood by me and everyone else in need, through thick and thin! You're an angel, Morgana, an angel!''

She shook her head, unable to accept her words. ''No, I...'', she took a deep breath, trying to calm her self. Gwen gave her a cup of wine, knowing that this would help her calm down. She took it gladly and took a few sips. Once she felt ready, she began to explain. ''The council wants me to take over.'', the moment the words left her mouth, she felt all the embarrassment take over once again.

Gwen widened her eyes in absolute surprise. ''To push Arthur aside!?'', she didn't have the courage to speak, she just nodded in shame. Gwen scoffed in rage and took a sit. ''What a bunch of betrayers...'', she murmured in anger. She suddenly snapped after a few moments of silence. ''Will you-''

Morgana was quick to cut her off. ''Don't even dare to say the words!'', she glared her away and let the guilt set in once she saw the shame in her friend's eyes. She sighed and stood from her seat. ''I would never betray him. Ever. You know how much he means to me. And even though we will never get close again, I won't, ever, turn my back on him. But men are ambitious and foolish. They think of him as being dangerous, he's been out there, living like a rogue for far too long. He's not the same puppy they could order around and they know it.'', she let out a breath, forming a tiny smile. Arthur seemed to have become everything she was hoping he would. Yet, he was hollow. His eyes held no emotion, just coldness. He looked so dangerous and unpredictable. She used to pride herself for being able to read through all his faces. Yet, now, she couldn't and it scared and saddened her all the same. She turned to Gwen. ''They think I'm more suitable because they see me as they want to. A woman, too broken-willed to face them.''

''Are you, though?'', she asked her, a challenge whispering behind her words. Morgana stood still, focusing on her friend's hand, rubbing up and down her belly. ''Morgana Le Fay, I asked you a question. Are you?''

She hid her face behind her hand and rubbed her temple. Her fire was gone, she knew it. She was too tired, having to put up with a mad man for too long, all alone, and then having the burden of a whole kingdom on her shoulders. There were rules that had to be followed. All the while working to get herself better, to know herself and her powers. She remembered how scared she was, how lonely she felt when Arthur left her. That last night before he fled was haunting her thoughts for far too long. He had cried and she had held him, in an attempt to shake her own fears away.

Her goddamned dreams always proved to be right... She had to know she couldn't foolish them with only a kiss and some hugs...

She remembered herself waking up in an empty bed, his side was cold. No note, no nothing. He was just gone. She knew it even before she spoke to Uther. Arthur had left. He had left her.

She was so alone and scared. Uther had gone even madder after his son's disappearance. He had unleashed all his fury towards magic people and executions were an everyday thing from then on. And there she was, trying to deny her powers.

First, there was some breaking accidents. But then, she put fire to her own chambers. And Uther was sure that there was magic behind it. She knew that if she kept denying it, her next mistake would be her doom. Luckily, Merlin was there for her. The servant boy had proved himself loyal, kind and a good friend. But, most of all, someone she could trust.

But then, just as she was about to feel happy once again, Uther died. And all the burden fell to her shoulders.

She sighed once again and looked at her friend, already tired. ''I just want to be happy.''

Gwen smiled warmly her way and hugged her tightly. ''You'll be, my love.'', she whispered in her ear. ''You'll be.''

And Morgana believed her, because it was the only thing she could believe in.

* * *

* * *

Arthur was pacing up and down behind the closed doors of the Great Hall. His body was clearly tensed and he was trying really hard to not run his fingers through his golden hair. Instead, he was rubbing, almost with force, his beard.

He thought he would be calm. He was, in fact! But then he saw her walking across the hall, her arm was wrapped around Cenred's bicep and they were laughing to something he had said. He felt fury and rage, hot and boiling his insides. And not even Mithian's gentle touch on his shoulders was enough to keep him in peace.

He tensed when he felt a hand on his shoulder, but then he heard Gwaine's laugh.

''Easy there, kitty.'', he smiled at him and looked him confused. ''What's wrong?''

Arthur sighed. It seemed as this was all he did the last days. He had tried to mend things between Morgana and him, yet all he seemed to do was just pushing her farther away... He felt extremely frustrated. He didn't know what it was that had to be done to get closer to her... Every step just pushed her ten steps farther...

''I don't think I'll make it.'', he suddenly said, taking him by surprise.

''Are you for real?'', Gwaine scoffed when he saw him turning his gaze away. ''My, my, that's the damage a woman can do to a lovesick man...''

Arthur glared his way. ''What are you talking about?''

''Come on, you can call me a few things, but blind is not one of them. I see the way you look at her. As if she's something sacred.''

Arthur huffed and turned his back to him. ''You're clearly blind.''

His heard him chuckling. ''Am I?'', Gwaine shook his shoulders and began to walk away. ''If that's the case, then you wouldn't mind me making my move on her. She seems close to that curly hair boy, yet I think she's available... for the moment.''

Arthur turned to him, fury and rage all over his face. ''You wouldn-''

''Ah, ah, ah, princess! Don't make a scene there! You yourself said there's nothing between you two. I can't see the reason why not approach her.'', he smirked at him and then stood at the door. ''One more thing, Arthur.'', the anger was gone for a few moments from the soon-to-be-king man's face. He looked at his friend curious and confused. ''Remember what I told you the other day.'', his deep brown eyes looked him straight to the eyes. ''You're the one able to change things.''

With that, he was gone, leaving him standing there and thinking. He took a deep breath in, trying to calm his nerves, his body and soul.

_He could do this._

The door opened and as he walked slowly among them, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. As he knelt and felt the crown above his head, every word he spoke came from the depths of his heart.

He kept saying to himself that all would be alright. And when he stood up and faced them, he crossed eyes with her.

That day, Arthur Pendragon walked into a room full of people with no crown on, yet he left with more than just it. He walked out with a promise. To his people. To himself. To Morgana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there all! I hope it was enjoyable!  
I'll try to upload another one in the next days!  
What do you think will happen?


	5. Leave it unspoken

_ **~** _

_ **The things we never say** _

  
_ **Are better often left alone** _

  
_ **Forget about you** _

  
_ **I'll forget about this time** _

_ **~** _

The night was... colourful. It was a word well-suited, Arthur came to think as he lazily looked around the room. Kings were discussing with other lords about politics and what the future might bring over a few cups of tasteful wine, while their Queens and Ladies were gossiping around the room, all laughing and eyeing every little detail. Some were more daring and were dancing or laughing with their loved one in a corner. And then, there were some ladies and princesses, smirking and looking his way during the whole night. Arthur just ignored them and focused his attention elsewhere.

He saw Mithian almost dragging Gwaine into the big circle of dancers, him trying to prevent his wine from leaking and the very sight made him chuckle. His cheerful mood soon went south as his eyes landed on _her_.

She was holding that _bastard_ Cenred from one hand and Mithian from the other while hopping all around to the sound of violins and melodies. Her eyes were bright, they reminded him of green lakes blessed with the light of sun in mid-summer. Her smile was big, her white teeth were showing and her full lips were pulled back and up. He moved his gaze lower and gulped in an attempt to water his drying throat. He saw red, literally. Her red dress with its gold details were hugging her body like it was made only for her. More like wrapped, he corrected himself. Like a snake. A deadly snake with the very desire to drive him mad with... so many emotions!

''God have mercy...'', he let out a breath, unable to take his eyes off her.

''Arthur, are you listening?'', his uncle, Agravaine, was calling to him.

Almost dazed, he met his gaze. Nodding, he brought his cup closer to his lips and took in a brave sip. ''I am, uncle.'', he once again drifted his eyes to her and the sight made his blood boil with anger. Cenred's mouth was too close to her ear and he was whispering to her God knows what! And _she_ was laughing now, even harder than before! He was fuming, yet tried to control himself, breathing in deep breaths.

He turned to his uncle, smiling. ''Stop bothering your mind with all this. Tomorrow is a new day. Let's enjoy the night.''. He got up and walked towards the big circle, trying to maintain his smile. God knows what would happen if he stopped smiling...

He got in between them, separating them. Cenred was clearly displeased, yet Morgana only looked shocked.

''King Arthur. The day has come for you to be King...'', Cenred spoke.

''Indeed, King Cenred, it has.'', his voice was cold and emotionless.

''I hope your ruling to be long. It's a pity for the rest of the lords to turn against you...''

''Oh, do not worry, Cenred.'', his bright blue eyes were dark, almost black, when they met Cenred's brown ones. ''They will not. Not if they want to be on the winning side.''

Cenred only chuckled and left the circle. The future was getting closer and closer by the second and the last he wanted was to bother his mind with that coward.

He turned to Morgana, frowning at her silence.

''Morgana, I-''

''Congratulations, my King, you deserve it. Long may you reign.'', her voice was soft but emotionless, it almost hurt him to hear her speak to him like this. He held her warm hand harder to his and sighed.

''Please, I want us to talk.''

He saw her chest rising faster than before and her eyes fixed on the floor. ''There's nothing to talk about, my King.''

''Goddammit, Morgana, don't make me drag you out of here and finally face me!'', he almost growled and saw her flinch.

She looked away and left in a hurry, mumbling a faint excuse. He groaned as he felt Mithian's hand squeezing his. He met her brown warm eyes.

She never looked at him with anything else but warmness. She understood him to the fullest and she made him feel less lonely. If only Morgana was like her, if only she would just stop referring to him as they were strangers...

''Go.'', her soft sweet voice encouraged him. And he never thought twice.

He saw Cenred kissing her hand goodnight and he tried to remain calm. After wishing everyone a good rest of the night, he almost rushed out of the overcrowded room and ran down the hallway. He spotted her just a few steps away from her door.

''Morgana!'', he called out to her, but it only made her quicken her steps. He took a speed and just before she could close her door to his face, he pushed open and grabbed her hand, holding her in place, close to him.

''What are you doing here?!'', she hissed, trying to make him let go of her.

He ignored her and closed the wooden door behind him. ''Will you stop giving me the silent treatment?!'', he growled in return. He saw her eyes burning in anger and he felt joy spreading through his insides.  _Finally, a reaction!_

She blinked a few times, trying to control her urge to push him away from her. _His hand felt warm against her cold one..._ ''It's inappropriate for you to be in my room at such an hour. What will they all think?''

''I could care less if they all go to hell!'', he almost yelled, his blue eyes becoming dangerously dark.

She huffed. ''That's the kind of King you'll be then. Pity...'', she commented and he stilled, allowing her to finally free her arm. She took a few steps away, turning her back to him. She cursed under her breath for her beating heart. _Why was it even beating that fast!?_

He laid his back against the door, rubbing a hand over his tired face. His exhaustion was clear to see. ''You've had always the talent to bring both the worst and the best out of me...''

''I doubt that...'', her voice was nothing more than a whisper, yet he still heard her.

''Why?'', he challenged her. He needed her angry, he needed her furious. He wanted, no, _longed_ to see that fire in her! He could tell it was still there, just burried beneath years of loneliness and sadness.

She glared at him over her shoulder. ''Do you really want to know why?''

He stepped closer to her. He was just a breath away from her now. If he would as much as lean a little he would kiss her shoulder. Her unique smell of roses and rain reminded him those days, years ago. She always smelt like rain, as if she was one with nature itself. That light smell of grass and ground graced with heavenly water made his pupils expand and his eyes almost close. He noticed her breath becoming shallow, as if she had trouble keeping up with her breaths. He smiled, a faint tiny smile. Her hair smelled like roses, dark red roses, those she had always loved. Of those he would let at her door each time she would have a nightmare. Each time she would ask him if he was the one to do it, he would always deny it.

''I do, 'Gana.'', he whispered, his lips too close to her ear. A few silent moments passed, none of them dared to speak.

And then, she took a large step away from him and turned to face him. She crossed her arms over her chest and Arthur took the chance to take a closer look at her figure. She was more feminine than she was before he left. She looked at him as if she was scolding him or protecting herself from him, he couldn't decide. Both made him chuckle.

She glared at him once more. ''Go back to Mithian, Arthur.''

To say he was shocked would be an understatement. His eyebrows instantly rose to his temple and his eyes widened. His mouth was slightly parted and he almost shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He might had drank, a little too much perhaps, but his listening abilities were at their best, as always.

When the shock wore off, a sly smile spread on his lips and he saw her trying to keep herself from blushing.

''Morgana...'', her name was dragged and his voice was hoarse. A glint of mischievousness could be seen in his blue orbs. ''I never knew you were of the jealous type...''

She bit her lips, trying to keep herself from blushing or saying anything that would embarrass her even more. ''I never was and never will be. Now go.'', she said and moved to turn her back to him once more, but before she could even take even a step, he was there, just before her. His arms had snaked around her slim figure and he had dragged her to him. Her eyes were wide and her lips parted, while his were pulled back in a half-smile.

''Just admit it, 'Gana. You're jealous.''

If she wasn't too busy with being shocked, she would have pushed him away. Or so she liked to think... ''Arthur what-let go of me, right now!''

''Not until you admit it.''

''Arthur!''

''Fine, fine! I'll behave only if you agree on dining with me!''

She let out a furious breath and glared at him. ''Will you ever grow up?! Let go of me! Go back to Mithian, I won't dine with you!''

''Why not? We have so much to talk about, Morgana.'', he got even closer, so much that now his lips were a breath away from hers. ''Do you remember that night...? We never got to talk about that night...?''

His words only brought tears on her eyes and he was taken back for a moment. Were they really tears?

She tried to turn her face away from him, but he was fast to hold her chin in place and look at her with worry. ''Morgana, I-''

''Leave, Arthur.'', she finally pushed him away and while he stood awkwardly there, she hugged herself in an attempt to warm her cold arms.

He sighed. _Why was it always so difficult with her?_ ''Morgana, I'm sorry. Forget it, alright? Just... dine with me. I-''

''It's wrong, Arthur, can't you see? Everyone will get the wrong idea.''

''So what? I'm the King, I can do whatever I want!''

She looked at him hurt. She would never disrespect herself like that. They both knew that dining would only meant the start of something they were both craving. She might not have forgiven him for leaving her behind, but he was a man now. A dangerous man who knew that anything he could ever want would be his in a snap of his fingers. She wouldn't degrade herself like that. She was too hurt and too selfish to wish for anything less than all one could offer. And Arthur, whether he knew it or not, could never even give her that one thing she truly craved from him: trust. He didn't trust her before, or else he would never have left.

She took a deep breath in and closed her eyes. Once she opened them again, she knew her words would hurt him. ''If you don't care about Mithian's feelings, I do for both hers and Cenred's.''

His eyes became dark, but they were nothing like they were a few moments before. He was furious, she could tell from the way his body had tensed. ''What do you mean?''

She lifted her chin, trying to look as brave as she wanted to come of as. _Just a little while longer. And then, she would be free to collapse and cry. Just a little longer... _''Cenred and I might have a promising future together.'', she tried very hard not to back out and run to his arms when he looked at her with almost teary eyes. She gulped and swallowed, yet her throat was as dry as never before. She clenched her fists behind her back and kept a straight face. _Why was it that difficult? They didn't even have feelings for each other! What could be the beginning of a potential future between them was soon ruined the night he left. She didn't love him... Not like that... She... She was so sure of her feelings!_

''You...'', he looked away, as if the mere sight of her was too much for him. He cleared his throat and looked her way, this time more hesitantly than before. ''Are you planning on... on mar-''

''Probably. Time will tell. He-We seem interested in each other...'', every word was getting harder and harder to tell and his body was getting more stiff by the second.

He nodded, slowly. ''I see...''

A few silent moments passed, none of them dared to speak even a word, both too deep in their thoughts.

The burden on her shoulders was getting heavier and heavier by the second. How could she lie like this? Had she done the right thing?

He felt strangely sober at this moment. His mood completely ruined and the crown on his head seemed to mock him. He thought he could have everything he wanted, even her. Especially her... He knew he had fucked up, but she... She was Morgana, he would have to do anything to get her back, but her choosing another man so openly was just... devastating...

''I've been away for far too long.'', he murmured, more to himself than her. She still heard him, though decided against answering him.

''Arthur... We nev-''

''Don't, Morgana.'', he almost snapped but immediately softened his gaze and tone when he saw her slightly shivering. ''I know.''

He didn't. He couldn't understand why that mere mistake had cost him so much. They did had a chance. He was the one to ruin it. And now, he had to pay the consequences by not having her beside him, not even as a friend.

''I just want us to-'', he was short cut off by the knock on her door. She rushed to give permission and when it opened, Merlin came into view. She exhaled in relief, but Arthur's glare could easily kill him and bury him six feet under right at this moment.

Merlin looked between them in suspicion. He didn't really trust him close to his bestfriend. Morgana always seemed to loose her light around him. He had heard stories about how close they used to be before he fled, but never dared to ask her about any of them. Arthur's name was almost forbidden at her presence...

''M'lady?'', his voice was filled with worry as his baby blue eyes drifted from her to the King and back again. They both seemed tensed, too tensed to not notice.

The King huffed. ''Goodnight.'', his words were faint as we particularly rushed out of the room.

Merlin looked at his friend and tried his hardest to stay still when he show her covering her face and holding back the unshed tears. ''I could always put a frog up his-'', he tried to lighten up her mood, but he was shortly cut off.

''Merlin, please...Leave me.'', she softly asked and turned her back on him.

He furrowed his eyebrows in worry and slowly walked towards the door. As he passed the door-frame, he cast a final glance her way. ''If you need any-''

''I know. Thank you.'', she smiled at him over her shoulder, a smile too small and too fragile.

He left with a sigh but stayed a few moments outside her door, just enough to hear her sobbing and murmuring words too low for him to understand.

A few chambers away, Arthur was looking at the ceiling with hollow eyes.

The future seemed harder than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all fine and healthy! Happy Easter everyone, late or not (here our Easter is this Sunday). Take care of ourselves and don't forget, all would be just a far faded dream soon though!   
Love you all! <3


	6. Just a piece of cloth

** _~I feel numb in this kingdom~_ **

The next day was the first of Arthur's reigning era. Something was new in the air and everybody could feel it, from the servants to the Lords and fellow Kings.

Morgana, though, had greeted that morning with red hollow eyes and tear stains all over her cheeks. Her red dress was thrown on the ground, somewhere, mocking her in its own way. _A night to remember, indeed..._ She tightened her shawl over her shoulders and leaned against the window glass, freeing her mind and thoughts, as they ran back to the past, to happier memories.

A light breeze entered her chambers as the door creaked open. Heavy steps approached her, yet she made no move to acknowledge the intruders.

A low sigh was heard. ''You didn't sleep all night, did you?'', Gwen's soft voice gently asked her, only to be met with silence. Gwen cast a worried look on Merlin and then walked closer. ''Morgana... Please... Look at me, love.''

Soft and tender fingers touched her chin and slowly turned her head away from the window. Morgana's hollow eyes were met with Gwen's worried and compassionate warm ones.

''Come.'', she tried to make her stand and Merlin quickly hurried on their side, helping her pull her up. ''Let's get you all fresh and clean. The council awaits you, remember?''

And as Gwen helped her undress herself and dive into the warm water Merlin had prepared for her, she felt new tears coming up on the surface on the very thought of him.

_What had she done..._

* * *

* * *

Sitting at the head of the table, in the Council Hall, Arthur was surrounded by Lords and counselors, too willing to inform him of his too-well-known duties.

Running a hand over his tired pale face, he took a deep breath in. ''My respective Lords, please, let's handle some more serious matters. What has happened in the last two weeks?'', he asked.

Agravaine abruptly stopped and cast him an annoyed eye that lasted for just a second, too short for him to notice. He then smiled and after sharing a look with the other lords, he began to speak. ''There's been a shortage on grain, my King.''

''That can be blamed on the constant celebrations. Fortunately for our people, there will be no more for a time to come.'', Arthur casually replied, as he stood up. Grabbing a piece of paper with numbers rewarding on grains, he slowly walked over to the window, while studying it.

His uncle half-smiled. ''Your birthday is approaching, sir.''

''So?'', the King raised a questioning eyebrow.

''Isn't it a thing to celebrate?''

Arthur pulled up his lips in a sad smile. His birthdays were not a thing he was fond of, due to his father's bitterness and sadness, and his uncle was well aware of it. He could only blame it on his mother's death and, for all the things he could hate Uther for, that was not one of them. Still, Morgana would always sneak into the kitchen, steal sweets and, later on, wine and then they would have their own little celebration in his room. Those were the moments he missed the most...

''No, uncle, there will be no-''

He was cut off by the sudden sound of the door opening. Annoyed, he turned to find her, of all the people, heaving up and down.

''Forgive me, my King. My lords.'', she nodded to all of them, looking sorry. ''I had a long night.''

A chuckle was heard from behind her. ''We all did, my dear.'', mischievousness could clearly be seen in Cenred's eyes and it almost made Arthur growl towards his way.

_Was that a hint of them spending the night together? _At the very thought, he could feel his blood boiling hot, yet, after seeing her apologetically smiling to all of them -except him, he lightly shook his head. He didn't have the right to be angry about anything that concerns her... _If only his mind could cooperate..._

Putting on a cold facade, he turned to face them. ''Your night habits are not my concern, King Cenred and Lady Morgana. I demand diligence and no less than that.''

Ashamed, she lowered her gaze and nodded, while Cenred looked him straight in the eyes for a few seconds, clearly trying to decide between mocking him and apologizing. He, at last, went for the second.

''Apologies, my King. It won't happen again.''

Arthur scoffed under his breath and was about to come back with a clever remark of his own, if Morgana hadn't cut him off.

''Could anyone enlighten us about the topic of our discussion?'', she gently asked, moving over to the far corner with graceful steps. The King stood silent for a moment, noticing every little detail in her appearance. Exhaustion was clear in her pale face, yet she had succeeded in hiding it behind charming smiles and a gentle voice.

He was too busy observing her filling up a cup full of wine and before he could remind her that it was too early for that, Agravaine was fast to explain to her the details. ''As you know, my dear lady, our King's birthday is fast approaching.''

She wet her plump lips with some wine before speaking and he felt the room suddenly getting hotter. Annoyed, he turned his back on them and tried to concentrate on the sheet of paper in his hands. ''Yes, my Lord, I know. It is next week.''

Agravaine smiled. ''Exactly, my dear. So, the bad news are that we're short on grain and due to that, our King has decided that there will be no celebrations held in his honor.''

''What?''

''Understood''

Two voices were heard at once and Arthur confused turned to face them once again. He saw her looking at him shocked and almost angry and he fought the urge to lower his gaze. _Why was she even shocked?_

Morgana turned to Cenred with furious eyes. It angered her all the more that they all had accepted the King's decision without even a second thought. _It was his damned birthday! It was his chance now to celebrate it, after so many years not being able to!_

''And you are all going to just step by and allow such a thing to happen?'', her eyes were a light green now and her knuckles had gone white from her tight hold on her cup.

''My Lady, there's nothing we can do if it's his Grace wish.'', Cenred tried to explain to her, yet she just ignored him and walked closer to Arthur.

He himself tried not to look too shocked with her reaction and just grabbed the wall by the window, hiding his fist behind his back.

''Arthur, why?'', her tone was tender, it almost made him yearn for more. When was the last time she referred to him in such a gentle way? ''This is your chance to finally celebrate properly your birthday.'', she was almost pleading him.

He took in a deep breath, trying to keep a straight face on. ''We can't afford such a thing to be hosted, Lady Morgana.'', he instantly regretted his words when he saw her eyes darkening at the sound of her title. She turned her back to him, too fast to see his eyes softening.

''My lords.'', she cleared her voice and immediately had all eyes on her. ''We can both host a celebration and save grain. We can also help our farmers prepare themselves for the harsh winter that is to come.''

''And how can we do that?'', an old man who was standing beside Agravaine asked.

She smiled, ignoring his contemptuous tone. ''We can host a tourney. All participants will contribute with their own coins.''

All lords, except Cenred, raised a mocking eyebrow.

''And why would they do that?'', Agraivaine dared to question.

She raised her own eyebrow, as well as her chin. ''Because they would all love to have people's favor, wouldn't they? Besides, it's for the greater good. Coins for farming are well-spent coins. And a harsh winter is approaching, we must be prepared if we don't want our people to starve, including ourselves.''

A deep echoing silence followed her words. All seemed deep in thought, while she was sipping on her wine, leaned against a wall.

Arthur felt proud of her. She indeed would make a fitting ruler, possibly better than he ever would be. She was smart, provident, shrewd and, most importantly, people seemed to hang from her very lips. _She would make an excellent Queen._ He instantly frowned. _An excellent Queen for an equally excellent King..._

''All men have to have something to fight for.'', Cenred was the first to speak. He looked at her, his eyes darkening dangerously. ''Something to be seen as a reward.''

Arthur tightened his fist. He was looking at her as if _she_ was the _damned_ reward! He decided to act as a King and not let his anger cloud his judgement. _Not yet, at least..._ ''What do you propose, King Cenred?''

He offered a half-smile. ''Well, Lady Morgana was the one to propose such an idea. She must be the one to decide the reward, too, I suppose.'', he stood from his sit, offering himself a cup of wine. He looked her way from over his cup, smiling. ''Your hand in marriage wouldn't sound so bad, to be honest...''

And that was the last straw.

''How dare you, you fuc-'', Arthur was shortly cut off by a hand. He turned to see Morgana, standing still, as calm as the sea before the storm. Her eyes had gone dark now and everyone in the room fell silent. From the corner of his eye, Arthur saw that servant boy, Merlin, entering silently in the room. He seemed alerted and the King felt confused for a second, but he quickly brushed it off, upon the hearing of her voice.

''My King.'', her tone was soft, yet her gaze could cut everyone in half. Everyone stood stoned and even Cenred knew that he had made a grant mistake. ''My hand is not a prize to be won. I am my own person and I will be the one to decide who I am to marry.''

Arthur saw him lowering his face and apologizing to her. Satisfaction ran through him, all hot and calming. _She was indeed a Queen, in all but in name..._

She softly smiled and accepted his apology. ''But, you're right.'', her words surprised him but he patiently waited for her to continue. She had proved herself capable of handling matters on her own. His chest swelled even more with pride. ''Men have to have something to be focused on. A kind of reward, you call it. Well, then... The winner is to be rewarded with my favour and will accompany me in the feast that will be held later, on the same night.''

Everyone gasped and began to murmur in low voices, while he stood frozen.

She was to actually offer her favour that easily... She didn't even know what she was doing!

''Morgana, you- that's not right!'', he tried to make her see some sense, yet she was already heading towards the door.

She stopped right on the entry of the room. ''It's my choice, My King.''

''You're actually selling off your favour!'', his last attempt of reasoning with her had gone in deaf ears, as she just smiled at him.

''Your father used to make me do it all the time. It's just a cloth. What's a cloth to our people, after all?''

And with that, she left the room, leaving them all speechless and him fuming in anger.

He was not his damned father! She would always complain about him and his habits of showing her as a reward and he would always end up swearing that he would never make her do such a thing. Then why would she go and do such a thing on her own?

''What are we to do, my King?'', Agravaine asked to know, after a few minutes of complete silence.

He cast him an annoyed eye and then moved to leave the room too. ''As she wishes. If it's her choice, then so be it. Our people are more important than a piece of cloth.'', he said and everyone could tell that he was clearly lying.

Yet, no one dared to speak even a word as they watched him leave the room.


	7. Of memories and unwanted tears

_ **Setting fires to our insides for fun** _

It was dark when Morgana decided to go for a walk. Putting her red cloak over her slim shoulders, she took a minute to observe herself on the mirror. Her dark circles had been successfully covered up and her pale skin had a light blush, just enough to make it look more lively than it already was. Her simple red dress might was a little too easy to see in the dark of the night, but that wasn't her problem. Her problem, in fact, was the man who was constantly pacing up and down her floor for the past half an hour, mumbling and sighing.

Sighing herself, she decided that she had enough on her plate for the day. ''Could you please stop doing that, Merlin? You're going to dig holes on the poor floor.''

A single breath was heard from him, too low to be a chuckle. More like a sound of disappointment and irritation. ''Are you serious, Morgana? After everything I've said, that's your answer?''

She rolled her eyes and rose her eyebrow through her mirror, more to herself than to him. ''And what do you expect me to say?''

He shrug his shoulders and rose his own eyebrows, looking frustrated. ''I don't know! Maybe taking it back would be a good start! Or even the very solution!''

''There isn't a problem for there to be a solution...''

''Oh yes, that's what you think?'', he asked, feeling extremely angry. He didn't know what had gone through her mind when she said those words. ''Offering yourself as the prize it's not a problem to you?''

She once again rolled her eyes, rising from her seat. ''You're clearly exaggerating the facts.''

''Am I, Morgana?'', he stood in her way, as she walked towards the door. ''You know I'm not. Selling off your favour like that and your company is not a good way to solve this. What will the King think?''

She instantly turned and glared at him. Her green eyes looked like a field on wildfire. He almost took a step back from the powerful energy that was coming off her pores. Sometimes, the fact that she was almost as powerful as he was scared him... And now was not the right time to show it. He stood his ground and waited for her reaction patiently.

''What the King thinks of me is not my damned concern, you know that!'', she almost spatted the words. ''I did what I did for my people!''

''They're not your concern, Morgana, they're his.'', he reminded her but she only huffed and opened her lips. Yet, before she could even say a word, he cut her off. ''Why can't you just admit that what you did was partly out of wishing him to claim you?''

At the sight of her eyes widening, he knew he had hit a nerve. And, when she pulled her lips together, shrinking them, he was sure he was in so much trouble. His voice was soft and without fear, though, when he spoke again. ''It's alright to admit, Morgana. It doesn't make you any less compassionate or kind. I know that you want him to-''

''Stop!'', she almost screamed and the sound of a vase breaking from the far corner soon followed.

They both stood silent, taking in big breaths. She would always wonder how Merlin could bring out her worst and best self with such ease. What angered her the most was the fact that he could control her mood swings far better than Arthur ever did. He knew exactly what buttons to push and when. She found herself feeling almost weak before him, yet she would soon remind herself that he was her friend, with the only purpose to stand by her side, through thick and thin. He was always there, the light scaring away her darkness.

She ran a hand over her tired face. ''I'm sorry. I-'', she said but before she could even speak another word, she felt his arms snaking their way around her and pushing her against his chest. His comforting smell filled her nostrils and she instantly felt at peace. A few silent tears were quick to make their way on the surface and wet his red scarf. He just rubbed her back and kissed her hair.

''Hush, my friend, it's alright. Everything will work out just fine.'', he was whispering in her ear, over and over again.

And she came to realize, she had been wishing for someone to hold her like this for so long. Yet nothing could replace _him_...

* * *

* * *

After he left, she felt much calmer than before. Her steps were smooth and light as she slowly walked towards the stables, wishing for the company of her so loved white horse. _A gift from Arthur on her fifteenth birthday..._

A soft sound was heard from behind her, like leaves cracking and she shifted her slim fingers, preparing herself for any sudden move. The familiar warmth was crawling its way up her fingertips and her emerald eyes stole glances from its corners for any lurking danger. Someone or something was moving fast towards her and before she could decide whether it would be better to use magic or just her dagger, two arms had snaked around her waist and her back had hit a chest made by stone. Alerted as she was, her eyes were about to glow gold and make her attacker lay limb on the ground, yet a low familiar chuckle was heard soon enough for her to stop.

''It's too late of an hour for a Lady like you to be walking alone.''

She rolled her eyes and let out a low growl. Giving him a kick on his knee with her heels, she made him bend down on his knees, while she just stood above him, glaring daggers his way.

''King Cenred. Such a playful mood you have today. Not something I appreciate, though.''

He cleared his throat, as he slowly stood up. ''Are you still angry with me for that little joke I pulled back there?'', her silence was his only answer. He sighed in defeat. ''Alright, you're right... I'm sorry... Getting under Arthur's skin is just too much fun to resist...''

She rose her eyebrow, her eyes glowing dangerously. ''Glad to know then that I'm just a toy to annoy Arthur with, then.''

Her back was turned to him, yet before she could even make a move, she was held back by the hand.

''No!'', he almost yelled in desperation while she challenged him with her green eyes. He sighed in defeat once again and lowered his head. ''I didn't mean it like this, Morgana. You know how special you are to me.''

She eyed him for a few seconds. ''I can tell. Special enough to make a fool out of me in front of all the High Counselors.''

He rose his gaze to hers, his brown lakes hardly seen in the dark. ''I'm sorry, Morgana, I truly am! I never meant to make you feel this way, I just...'', he took a hesitant step closer. Her not making a move to push him away gave him courage. That feeling has been building up from the moment he saw her, some years ago. And her, growing into such a mature, beautiful and respective woman... He and all men would be damned if not fall for her. ''I just want to know if I... We... Might have a future... Together...''

In that, she widened her eyes in complete shock. It was true that she had noticed some interest from his side, but this? Whatever words left her mouth the other night was for Arthur to leave her alone, to understand that he had Mithian and she... She probably had an interest in Cenred, but not something that worth discussing over. What she liked in Cenred was actually what she had been missing from Arthur. That playful glitch in his eyes, that loving warmth with which he would always look at her, his soft smile and his soothing voice... It reminded her of those times, back when Arthur and she had grown closer... Too close...

She looked down, unable to think the right words. ''Cenred, I... I don't-''

''Shhh.'', he gently whispered, his touch soft and tender against her lips. She looked up and met his eyes, looking already back at hers. His perfume was sweet and smelling like lemon and wood. _Arthur always smelled like metal and man, causing her young body back then to shiver in anticipation of something unspoken, forbidden... He smelled of sin... _''Please, Morgana, don't say a word... _Let me show you how I feel for you_...''

She stilled, unable to move. His warmth was getting easier and easier to notice, as he was slowly leaning down on her. His steady heavy breaths were slowly entangling themselves in her own shallow rapid ones. Her chest was heaving up and down, the blood in her veins was singing her, whispering and preventing her from what was to come, yet she could not move a nerve. She was just starring wide eyed, watching as his lips were getting closer and closer to hers.

And then, a shattering sound was heard and all of a sudden, the spell was broken.

She rapidly blinked and lowered her face, hiding behind her cloak, while he just stood still, breathing heavily, trying to calm his flaming body. 

She spoke once she was sure that her voice wouldn't break. ''I'm sorry, Cenred, I... I just need some more time.''

He licked his lips and stayed silent for a few moments. ''Anything for you, my Lady.'', his voice was soft, without any hint of annoyance or disappointment. He looked away and smiled. ''It's late, I think it would be best for the both of us to return to our chambers.'', the familiar playful glitch had returned. ''There's a tournament to win and I wouldn't dream to lose, after all.''

She softly chuckled and agreed.

It was a long day, after all.

* * *

* * *

Meters away, Arthur was patiently waiting for Gaius to bandage his bleeding hand, listening to him mumbling.

''What did you do to make such a wound, Arthur?''

He let out a tired breath and rubbed his eyes. ''I told you, Gaius, I broke a glass.''

He clearly looked confused. ''But how? Did you punch it?''

He stayed silent.  _Yes._ ''No. It just happened.'' The old man whispered something beneath his breath, yet the King felt too exhausted to pay any mind. He looked back at him, his dark circles visible in the light of the candles. ''Is it done yet?''

Gaius sighed in disappointment. ''Yes, my King.'', he silently stood aside, watching him with a careful eye. They hadn't had the time to properly speak since his return, yet he couldn't stand oblivious to what was happening before his own eyes. The young King and his Lady had a lot of history between them for him to ignore the sparks. He too had been a man in love once... ''You know... Your father might was ruthless, but he loved you. He was asking for you in his-''

''Pity then.'', Arthur suddenly cut him off. ''I should have known.'', his voice was now dangerously low. ''I would have gladly took his life with my own hands.''

And while one would be shocked with his words, the old physician stood there, a sad smile slowly forming on his wrinkled face. ''A King's greatest virtue is having the ability to forgive, Arthur.''

An ugly pained laugh left the King's lips. His chest was trembling as horrible memories and a sweet woman's face were aching his heart. ''Really? How can I forgive, Gaius? How can I forgive the man who made a monster out of me? A man who forced me and countless other men to kill in the name of his madness. To kill innocent people! All because he couldn't take responsibility of his actions!'', he approached him and stood so close that Gaius could recognize once again that broken boy who had returned from the forest that horrible day. ''All because he couldn't stand to admit that he... He was the one who killed my mother.''

At this, his eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up. ''How-'', before he could ask, he was cut off by him turning him his back.

''It doesn't matter how I know. What matters is that that man should have been dead a long time ago.'', he looked over his shoulder at him. ''I know that you knew and... I don't blame you, Gaius. I know that you did anything in your powers to save her.''

Gaius gulped and looked down, trying to fight back the unwanted tears. Now was not the time... ''We all make mistakes Arthur...''

A few moments of complete silence passed, both men were breathing heavily from all the burden of memories and unwanted tears.  _Many things could have been prevented, if only they could turn back time..._

''He loved her, Arthur. He truly did. Yet, he made mistakes that cost him the truest person in his life... Please, don't you make that mistake too...''

Arthur huffed, a bitter laugh rising in the back of his throat. The image of Cenred leaning down and capturing her lips... T _hose lips that only belonged to... _ It was still too vivid in his mind. He clenched his fist, ignoring the piercing pain shooting through his arm. ''Now, here's something you're missing, Gaius.'', his teary eyes were noticed in the dim light of the candles, forming pools on his blue surfaces. ''My mother loved him.''

And with that, he vanished from his chambers, almost running away. The old man stood there, sighing and hanging his head low. _ Like father, like son..._

''Why didn't you tell him?'', Merlin's irritated voice was heard from behind him.

Gaius blinked and wiped the corners of his eyes. ''Tell him what?''

''About Morgana's-''

''It's her secret, Merlin.'', he made his way to his desk and sat, sighing in exhaustion. 

''Her secret? Really? He-'', the boy was quick to differ but he was soon cut off by his mentor.

''Don't get in destiny's way, Merlin!'', he warned him, his tone strict. ''They should find their way in each other's arms. And sharing such a secret would not only hurt them both, but also destroy them.'', he let out a breath and rubbed his wrinkled temple. ''Let them be.''

Merlin sighed but stayed silent. Gaius was right.

It was their destiny to fulfill. 


	8. Wounds that won't heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait! The heat here is unbearable and for the last few days all I did was just lay around the house, trying to cool in some way. Yet, I finally did it! This is the longest chapter I have ever written thus far (17 pages), so I hope it will make for the long wait! Hope you enjoy it! <3

** _Traumas, they surround me _ **

** _I wish you'd just love me back_ **

Two days had passed since the incident and yet Arthur's hand had not gotten any better. Due to Gaius patience and ointments, most of it had healed, yet it still hurt. And preparing for the tournament had proved much more difficult than he had hoped it would.

This, and his stupid clumsy of a servant.

''Hold the damn shield high, dammit!'', he cursed, throwing his sword on the ground in despair. He turned his gaze on the young servant, who was visibly shaking on the ground. He rolled his eyes and held out his hand for him to take. ''How old are you, boy?'', he asked, his voice was a lot more softer this time, as was his eyes.

The young man lowered his head and focused his eyes on the ground. He knew he had angered his sire for being unable to hold the shield steady and high enough to blow away his hits, yet his master was too strong for him to be able to stand still. As for his King's dark mood and anger, he dared to speak no word. ''Seventeen summers, sire. I am sorry, I will try harder.''

He sighed and shook his head. ''No need, your sister will kill me anyway if anything happens to you.'', he laughed upon the sight of a tiny smile forming in the corners of the young man's lips. ''Go, Elyan, your sister must need you. I'll send word for you later to come help me out of the armor.''

Upon the hearing of the words, Elyan's face lit up and a big smile spread across his face. ''Thank you, my lord! I'm sure Gwen will be grateful!''

Arthur smiled. ''I know. Now go, before I change my mind.'', he warned his servant in a strict voice, yet a light of playfulness was dancing in his blue orbs.

''Aye, sire, thank you!'', he quickly said and then he left in a spread, causing his king to chuckle.

He drifted his eyes off the boy and looked over the practice field. An unusual pair caught his eyes, a light brown head and a darker one. Curious, he got closer.

''May I ask what are you doing?'', he asked, irritation was heard, clear as crystal in his tone.

The all famous smirk of his friend was the next thing he saw. ''Why, what does it look like I'm doing? Preparing myself of course!''

Arthur raised a mocking eyebrow. ''For what?''

''For the tournament of course!''

Now the king's eyes were wide, as wide as they could get, and the fact that that stupid servant boy of Morgana's was standing right behind his friend was just adding to it.

''Well,'', he cleared his throat, eyeing Merlin from head to toes with a critical eye. ''I guess then that you've rusted. There's no way that this skinny excuse of a man will blow any of your hits.''

Merlin narrowed his eyes, while Gwaine's chest was trembling due to his loud laughter. ''Actually, it must be his choice. He prefers to train with men that have enter adulthood, not boys who are too afraid to speak back.''

Gwaine never stopped laughing. Arthur, though, felt his blood boiling and his temper rising fast. ''Is that so...?'', his tone was low, it would send a shiver down anyone's spine. Not Merlin's though and he noticed that from his proud shoulders and his serious eyes. He smirked, a small evil one. ''Well then, let's see what else Morgana taught you, except from speaking back.''

''Oh my!'', Gwaine whistled, as Arthur threw a wooden sword towards Merlin's way. ''That will be fun!''

* * *

* * *

A mild knock on the wooden door was what brought Morgana back to present, away from all the paperwork on her table. She tiredly rubbed her eyes and called out for who it was that had interrupted her come in. Her friend's warm smile was the first sight that greeted her and she instantly felt her muscles relax.

''Well well, if that is not a surprise...'', she teased, offering her a seat and a cup of fresh water.

Gwen chuckled and took it gladly. ''You wouldn't believe it.''

The young woman raised an eyebrow. ''Believe what?''

Her friend laid a swollen hand over her big belly and rubbed it lovingly. Morgana's eyes followed her act and her pupils dilated, while the corners of her lips pulled up into a light smile. Gwen's beaming eyes lost some of their glow upon her sight and a sad frown slowly crept up her temple. The green-eyed woman noticed it soon enough to avert her gaze off her and offer herself a cup of wine. None of them said anything.

The pregnant lady let out a soft sigh. ''He will be a good and kind King.''

Morgana licked her lips and sipped on her cup. ''And why is that?''

''He let Elyan rest for the day, claiming I would need him to help me. He knows that Lancelot wouldn't let me do even the slightest of things, especially now that Gaius said that I'm due possibly in the next two weeks.''

The lady with the raven hair nodded. ''I see.'', she grabbed her pen and started writing once again, with new mood this time. ''Some things never change, I guess...''

Gwen sat silent for a few moments, as she watched her writing and working on the paper in front of her. She had noticed Morgana's soft smile upon the hearing of this information, yet she knew that she was too stubborn to admit the joy she was feeling. ''What are you working on so eagerly?'', she questioned.

Morgana's stiffened posture didn't go unnoticed. ''Arthur's birthday.''

''Oh.'', her friend's lips were pulled up into a big smile, one that she didn't even try to hide behind her long fingers.

A pair of warning green eyes looked up to her. ''What?''

''Nothing, dear.'', she ran her fingers over her belly. ''I'm just glad you're finally coming to terms with what it's going on inside you.''

To say she glared her way would be an understatement. ''Gwen-''

''It's alright, my dear, you can deny it all you want.'', she shrugged. ''But in a couple of years time, you'll be sitting right in this chair, counting down the days to meet the little miracle you and him will have created.''

And right in that moment, she knew. She had made a terrible mistake. It was the moment when Morgana's teary eyes had closed, seconds before any tear could escape.

''Morgana, I-'', Gwen instantly got up and neared her in an attempt to circle her arms around her and sooth her, yet her friend's denial broke her heart into millions of little pieces. She rubbed her arm in order to sooth her own feeling of echoing void. ''I'm sorry...''

They both stayed silent for a few moments, as Morgana was trying to sooth herself and stop her tears. Her pale fingers were itching to touch her- _No_, she kept reminding herself, _it would never happen!_

She was too damaged, Arthur would never... No. He didn't deserve this. _It was a curse._

She sniffed one more time and then turned to look at her friend, who was standing patiently beside her the whole time. Gently, she reached out and rubbed her arm. ''It's alright.'', she smiled, a tiny warm smile. ''Don't worry.''

They exchanged a look of compassion, as they slowly leaned into each other's embrace. Gwen knew a couple of things no one knew about Morgana, yet still, she was oblivious to the extent of the burden she was forced to carry. She knew of her dreams, that they always meant something, yet she couldn't possibly know of how powerful she really was. She knew that at nights, she tossed and turned around because of her dreams, dreams that always smelled of fire and death, yet she didn't know how strained she felt because of the constant need to control the burning sensation on her fingertips. She knew that Merlin was way more than just a servant, yet she didn't know that he was also way more than a mere friend, that he was an advisor and a mentor. She didn't know that in the dark of her chambers, Morgana would cry and scream and punch into her pillow for all the things she was forced to endure, for all that she would carry until her dying day.

Gwen once knew of a sweet person who dreamed of happy times, a person who was no more.

A confident knock on the door was heard and without waiting for a response, the intruder allowed herself inside Morgana's chambers. Both women's eyes widened upon the sight of her, though.

''Princess Mithian!'', Gwen almost yelled in shock and tried to bow as best as she could with her pregnant belly on the way, an act which made Mithian chuckle.

''Please, Gwen, you're not a servant anymore. No need to bow in front of everyone.''

Morgana smiled, a tiny little smile which she served towards anyone she was forced to. ''Mithian. What a lovely surprise...''

This time, the woman laughed. ''Oh please, Morgana, we all know that you're an incredible diplomat, yet a terrible liar all the same.'', she smiled towards her way, catching her off guard.

That exactly was what Morgana always envied in Mithian. That careless spirit, her brutal honesty. While she herself was much like that in the past, she would always get herself in trouble, while Mithian would be praised for her unbend spirit.

_One of the perks of being Uther's beloved ward..._, she bitterly thought.

She risen from her seat and smiled, this time a honest one. And then, she burst into laughter, while Mithian followed soon after. Gwen stood still between the two women, feeling uneasy as ever.

Gwen admired them. They were both strong and kind and fearless. Yet, while Mithian had become wilder over the years, Morgana's eyes had turned into a green pale shadow of what they used to be. They were both fitted to be Queens, yet only one would rule Arthur's heart. She could only hope for Arthur to be wise enough to choose the woman who had always stood by his side, no matter what.

''I missed you, Morgana.'', the young woman spoke softly, catching them both off guard.

Morgana stiffened, not knowing how to respond. Did she? Well, they used to be friends. Sometime ago. When everything was simple. When she was Uther's ward and Mithian was a princess. They were good friends. Back when Arthur was...

''I-''

''It's alright.'', Mithian was quick to cut her off. ''A lot have changed in three years. All of us have changed.''

And the two women couldn't agree more.

Gwen sensed that it was time to excuse herself and leave the two women have the talk they both needed. ''I'll leave to it.'', her tone was soft and sweet and with her eyes, she let Morgana know that she would be alright and safe and lighter after her time with Mithian.

Morgana herself didn't seem to believe her, though...

Upon the hearing of the closing door, Morgana offered a seat to Mithian. ''Please, make yourself comfortable. Would you like a cup of wine?''

''It would be lovely.'', she voiced and she took it with a gracious smile. After a few silent moments, she decided to speak. ''I'm glad you yourself have taken upon you to organize his celebration.''

The green-eyed woman's smile was a stiff and small one. She didn't say a word, just nodded and pushed all her paperwork to the side. She allowed herself a few moments to prepare herself and the words she was about to voice. A few sips of wine would make her braver, she tried to convince herself as she emptied her gold cup.

''Tell me, Mithian.'', she said at last. ''What brings you here? You're in Camelot for about a month, if not more, and yet today's the first time you graced me with your presence.''

She chuckled. ''Oh come now, dear, am I not allowed to enjoy the company of a dear old friend in a hot summer afternoon?''. Morgana's serious eyes told her that it was more likely for her to believe that she could fly, rather than what she had just said. The young lady sighed. ''Alright, alright, you got me...Actually, I'm here for you.'', she admitted at last. Morgana's surprised eyes were a sight she had prepared herself for. ''For you and... for Arthur.'', this time, she saw her sighing and letting herself back in her chair, already exhausted. ''Listen, Morgana, I-''

''I'm not in the mood for a talk of this kind, Lady Mithian, I'm sorry.''

The woman raised a perfect eyebrow. ''Your manners will not serve as a warning of any kind, Morgana, so stop it.'', she spoke in a stern voice. ''I'm here because I'm tired of seeing both of you hurting each other. Why are you doing this to yourselves?''

''Doing what?''

''Denying each other!'', her loud voice startled her for a moment, yet she remained silent. ''I'm not blind, Morgana, I've seen how you're both behaving around each other. In every dinner, in every council, there is always this tension! And then, him hurting himself for whatever reason he won't-''

''What?'', this time, it was Mithian who stood shocked for a few seconds. Yet, a sly smile was soon forming in the corners of her lips, one Morgana ignored for the sake of her worry. ''Did you say that he hurt himself? When, how?''

The young lady shrugged. ''I don't know. I'm surprised you haven't noticed already. He cut his palm and he won't tell me how.'', upon her silence, she found the opportunity to speak again. ''Morgana, why are you doing this? I've seen the way he looks at you, he love-''

''Stop it!'', her sudden change of mood was what froze Mithian to her seat and she could have sworn that she had seen her green eyes turning into glowing amber. She shook her head lightly, convincing herself that she was just tired._ There was no way for Morgana to-_ ''You clearly don't know the meaning of love, Mithian. You don't know what a man in love does.''

''Oh but I-''

''No, you don't! And you clearly don't know what a woman in love does! Do I look like I'm in love, with him of all people? Well, I'm not!''

''But all that tension-''

''I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you're seeing and I definitely don't care.'', she let herself breath and she was grateful that Mithian was standing silent all the while. ''We have all changed, my friend. Arthur will be a great king and I... I'll find my own way, away from a place where every nightmare of mine has come to life.''

A sad smile slowly begun to form in the corners of her lips. ''You don't have to do this. Your place is here, in Camelot, by his side!''

''No, _your_ place is here. That's why destiny has brought you in his way.'', she corrected her and forced herself to not shake her head in disappointment when she heard her laugh.

''Destiny? Do you really believe in such a thing? My, I thought you were wiser than that, Morgana!'', she kept laughing, unable to control herself. ''Listen, my future Queen. Forcing me towards his way won't help you and certainly, forcing yourself towards Cenred's way won't help you either.'', she reached out and touched her chin, forcing her gaze up to her own. ''You're wise, yet broken and I can clearly see that. And he's broken too. Sometimes, two broken glasses can make one whole.''

''The water will still flood through.'', her voice was soft and broken and Mithian could see that right before her stood a child, longing for some love. _She was willing to play cupid, if that meant that she would get her friend back, whole and happy..._

''Not if two pairs of hands are willing to keep it from doing so.'', she kissed her temple and sighed as she felt her leaning into her touch. ''Besides'', she spoke after a while, ''I'm in love with another man.'', she gave her a wink, which made her laugh, causing her to follow soon after.

Just in time, a knock was heard to ease their laughs.

''Come in!'', Mithian said and then the door slowly begun cracking. A sweaty Gwaine soon enter the chambers, causing both women to gasp. ''What are you doing here?''

He offered them his known flirtatious smile, while bowing. ''My ladies, I apologize for interrupting whatever conversation the two of you had. I fear that I'm forced to steal your friend, my Lady Morgana.''

Mithian huffed in annoyance. ''And why is that?''

He gaze a sympathetic look towards the green-eyed woman's way. ''Well because due to physical inabilities, your servant, Merlin, won't be able to assist me and I'll need Mithian's help to get out of this heavy armor.''

A loud gasp was heard leaving Morgana's lips. ''Merlin?! Is he alright?! What did you do to him?!''

He put up his hands in self defense as she begun to near him. ''You should target your anger towards Arthur's way, my Lady. I was just training on the fields with Merlin when he showed up in an aggressive mood.''

''Arthur?'', she narrowed her eyes while voicing his name. ''Why was he there in the first place? He had matters to attend to!''

''Oh, he was training of course!''

''For what?'', she questioned yet the realization soon hit her. ''Oh Lord... He's going to enter the tournament...'', she cursed under her breath, yet it was loud enough for all of them to hear her.

Gwaine chuckled. ''Well, he's in his chambers in case you-'', before he could even finish his sentence, she had disappeared in the halls leading to his chambers, causing them both to laugh.

''You're a cunning man, you bastard.'', Mithian laughed, snaking her arm around his armpit.

He chuckled once again. ''I learn from the best, my lady.'', he eyed her from her head to her toes. ''I think green suits you.''

''You wouldn't know, you never notice me.'', there was a hint of hurt in her voice, yet Gwaine ignored it and laughed. Now was not the time to speak of matters of this nature, nor was the time for her to voice her pain after these three years of his constant efforts to get rid of her.

There would come a time for them to talk, but that time could wait.

For now.

* * *

* * *

Morgana burst into the king's chambers without even knocking, ready to shout hundreds of words she had rehearsed on her way there. Yet, the sight before her had her frozen on her feet, her voice long lost in the depths of her chest.

Arthur turned towards the door, alarmed and curious about the intruder. Nothing had prepared him for the unique sight in front of him. ''Morgana?'', he spoke her name in a soft voice, almost a whisper. His young servant who was standing just beside him hadn't heard him speak, which caused him to turn towards the door to see for himself who had dared to enter the king's chambers without permission.

''My lady!'', he bowed in respect and stood aside, looking at his sire, waiting for further orders.

''It's alright, Elyan, I'll tend to myself. You can go.'', his kind master told him and after thanking him and greeting them both, he excused himself, closing the door behind him. Arthur cleared his throat and looked anywhere but at her. The pinkish colour on her pale cheeks send a nice feeling deep in his bare chest, so beautiful that it almost made his blond light hairs stand in attention. After a few moments, he decided that it was time to break the silence. ''So, what can I do for you, my Lady?'', he hated that he couldn't pronounce her name in fear that his eager and desire would take over him. He hated that in front of her, around her, anywhere near her, his instincts were that of a teenager who could barely control himself.

She didn't answer him. Her gaze focused on his open palm and the deep wound it had formed in there. ''You're hurt.'', her voice was no more than a whisper, yet he heard her all the same.

He tried so hard not to cry happy tears. After all this time, she finally seemed to care. ''It's nothing.'', he reassured her and really, it was nothing. Nothing compared to the pain he felt each time her beautiful green eyes would turn cold when landed on him.

She huffed and he loved it. She moved towards his closet and his heart started beating much faster than usual, in fear she would disappear. She turned around with a box in her hands, the same box she would use everytime he would come injured after its training day, and he felt like crying. His room was kept in perfect living condition during these last three years, an order from her due to her hope that he would come back, of which he came to learn from the servants a few days ago, when he happened to hear them gossip on his way to his chambers. Yet, she never visited it, never entered it, so it was a surprise to see that she still remembered where her aid box was.

And, it was lovely to see her near him with it in his hands. A soft smile was quick to appear. ''Morgana, you amaze me each time, more and more.'', he said before he could hold himself and cursed himself under his breath when he saw her froze for a second. His fear that she would leave right there and then had his heart beating loud enough for him to hear.

She ignored him and stood in front of him, almost forcing him to sit down to the nearest chair. ''Why were you training with Merlin?'', her abrupt question had his blood boiling hot with rage.

He sighed. _That woman, she could always drive me crazy in an instant..._ ''Because he's just a servant and I'm his king. I can do whatever I like.''

She glared at him while wrapping his palm with a bondage. ''Be careful there. You might sound like Uther and I don't think you-''

Before she could finish her sentence, his other hand was tightly wrapped around her armpit, holding her in place. Shocked with his aggressive move, she turned to look at him once more, only to meet a pair of blazing dark eyes. ''I don't. I'm not him.'', his voice was hoarse and low, as if a dangerous animal had taken over him. A dangerous wounded animal.

It was then that Morgana understood the very depth of Arthur's hate towards his father. And she knew, her very soul told her so, that what he had made him do three years ago was not the only reason of his eerie hate.

They stood silent for a few moments, trying to sooth both of themselves and each other alike. It was difficult, they thought it would feel foreign, yet it felt like coming home. She was not ready for it, though...

She pulled her arm away from him and he immediately pulled his own hand back, apologizing for his sudden outburst. ''I shouldn't have done it. Forgive me.''

She only smiled, a soft reassuring one that she was alright and returned to her work at hand. ''Are you planning on participating in the tournament?'', she asked after a while, still focused on her task.

He didn't answer her for a few seconds, clearly thinking of what to say. ''Would you like me to?'', he turned to look at her, his eyes looking for her own, trying to see what she would deny him.

And she denied him. ''It's not wise, Arthur. You could hurt yourself, on your birthday! You should act like a hoster, not as a knight. You're the King.''

He chuckled, a light sound left his lips. ''I like your reasoning. Cenred will participate.''

He noticed her muscles stiffening from the corner of his eyes and tried to ignore the piercing pain that shot through his chest. ''It's his choice to do so.'', was her answer at last, an answer that fumed his anger all the same.

He rolled his eyes. ''Then it's my choice too. I don't see why he gets to choose to do what he wants and I can't.''

She sighed, finishing her task. ''You're acting like a child.'', she turned away from him in order to leave, yet his hand had snaked its way around her elbow before she could make a step. She looked at him confused. This much tension, his touch... It served only on awakening feelings that she had tried to bury a long time ago. She thought she had achieved on doing so. Then why were his bare chest and his warm body and his strong confident touch doing things to her, things that she had forced herself to forget?

''Morgana...'', his tone was once again hoarse and heavy, yet colored in something beautiful and forbidden and sinful. It was pleading and it made her want to stay right there, right in this moment, forever. ''Please stay...''

A thousand different meanings could be heard right behind his words. _Stay with me, right now, in these chambers. Stay with me, right here, in our kingdom. Stay with me, by my side. I need you._

She couldn't form a word, for a long while. She just stood there, looking right into his eyes, into those deep blue lakes. They were light, and the sun-rays only served in making them lighter. And she loved it. It reminded her of some mornings full of kisses and promises and messy bed-sheets. It reminded her of happier times.

And then, the dark cloud came, to remind her of the dark present. ''What are you going to do with the magic laws and the druids?'', she abruptly asked, catching him off guard.

''What, why are you asking so suddenly?'', he questioned, confused. She seemed determined for an answer and something in him told him that her very answer to his previous plead would be a product of his answer.

''I'm curious. It's something the council wishes to know.'', it was true, but she was lying and he knew it. Yet, he decided to ignore it and answer her truthfully.

''I'll rewrite all of his laws myself. Actually, I have asked for them to be burnt, so I'll set new ones myself. Yet, magic has no place in Camelot, and nor have druids or anyone who has magic for that matter. I'll not punish them with death, yet they're still not welcomed.''

She nodded, clearly thinking. ''Because magic killed your mother.''

He gulped. ''Yes.'', it was a lie, a big one. It was Uther that had killed his mother, it was him who had used it without thinking of the consequences, all for the sake of an heir. Yet, this was a conversation of another time, one they would have once both of them stood on a better ground. It could wait.

''I see.'' her voice was deep and it made his bones shiver. He didn't know why, he didn't want to know. All that mattered to him was that she looked like she had made her choice.

''See you at dinner. Let Gaius tend to your wound, it looks like it will leave a scar.'', she said before closing the door behind her.

Oh, but the void in his soul and the cold feeling of her absence would leave a bigger one, of that he was sure.

He could only curse himself for all the things he was oblivious about, of all the things he was too weak to do. He knew of Morgana's strong sense of justice, he remembered all those fights she had with his father about the injustice he would doom all the magic users, over and over again. And he knew that she dreamed of a place, a Camelot where every magic user would be treated with respect and kindness. And he hated himself for not being able to give her that.

Because of his guilt and his hurt and his nightmares. Because of his upbringing and the ghost that lingered in every corner of this damn place.

Arthur Pendragon loved to claim that he had buried his father, a long time before his death, yet he still feared the monster he had created.


	9. Feel like prey, feel like praying

** _Everything changed when the birds came_**

** _Something is off, I feel like prey, I feel like praying_ **

It was the day before the tournament and everything was working smoothly under Morgana's careful and observing eye. She had planned for the day to be special, as it would be the first time that the King would get a proper celebration. Watching the servants fill the storage with lots of wine and seeing the lists of delicious foods they were to make, a sense of sweet nostalgic had embedded itself in her insides.

Faded images of them stealing wine and fruits in their late teenage years and then hiding in his chambers, left a bittersweet taste in her. It reminded her of the taste of his-

She violently shook her head and zoomed in the present. Mithian, with whom she had grown closer in the past days, was informing her of the list of foods and wines she had chosen for the feast. The sweet woman's help had proven sufficient and much needed, as her working till the earlier hours of the day had exhausted her so much that she was found sleeping on the table. She couldn't remember who had found her, but she had an idea... All she could remember was someone carrying her to bed and then whispering some words she couldn't get herself to remember. Yet, the sweet feeling of the stranger's lips on the corner of her own had succeeded in making her cheeks turn reddish in the following days.

All she knew was that the next evening Mithian had woken her up with a cup of some nice smelling liquor and the news that she would be helping her from then on.

''Morgana, are you listening to what I'm saying?'', her voice was what suddenly brought her back to present for good.

With red cheeks, she quickly nodded. ''Yes, of course. Sounds like an excellent idea.''

Mithian raised a mischievous eyebrow. ''I'm glad you approve of Arthur's chosen attire that much.''

Her eyes opened wide in an instant. ''What-no-I-''

''Relax, I'm just messing with you!'', her loud laughs served in only making her blush worse. A few moments later she wiped the small tears from the corners of her eyes and looked at the blushing lady once more. She found it amusing that just a few words were enough to turn the all serious woman into an awkward lovesick girl. ''I was just telling you about the plates that will be served. You can always look over the list later, just be sure to hand over to the cookers any changes you make before midnight.''

Smiling, she shook her head. ''No, I trust that you did a wonderful job.'', sighing, she ran a hand over her neck. ''I'll just go check the tournament field once more, just to be sure that everything is in order. Then I'll ask Lancelot one more time if we lack in any sort of weapons and armor and then I'll retire to my chambers.''

''Alright then. I'll be accompanying Gwen to the gardens, if you need me.''

With a nod and a soft smile, she turned on her heels and headed to the door. Her loud voice, though, made her stop in her tracks. ''Oh, Morgana!'', she turned to face her with confusion in her eyes. ''I just wanted to tell you to be ready for tonight's dinner. The King informed me of a guest that will arrive tonight. I just thought that you would like to know.''

She frowned, more confused. ''Oh... Thank you. Do you know happen to know who we will be expecting?''

''I fear not. He only told me that she's someone important to him.'', her words stung more than Morgana would like to admit, yet she smiled all the same.

''Alright. Thank you. I'll see you later.'', her voice was soft, an obvious effort of her to control her emotions.

With every step she took, she felt all the more angrier with herself. She shouldn't be having those... strange feelings. Why did the fact that the guest was a _she_ seemed to be so important to her? Why did the knowledge that that woman was important to _him_ made her feel unwanted things deep in her chest?

Morgana exhaled in frustration, as her steps got her closer to the fields. She had forced herself to keep her fair distance from the King, an even greater than before. His words had forced her wound deep in her heart to bleed again. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought that one day that man, the man she bore great feelings for- despite her continuing efforts to refuse them-, would make her feel so unwanted. And that it would all be without his mere knowledge.

She twisted her skirts in her palms with such force, that she was sure her knuckles had turned pale.

_Her future in Camelot seemed all the more uncertain with every passing day..._

The sight of a shirtless man training caused her to shift her attention from her dark thoughts to him. As her steps got her closer to him, that familiar smirk and those loose brown locks gave way to a male face.

''May I ask why are you still training?''

''Why, to win the tournament, of course!'', Cenred laughed. A drop of sweat made its way from his temple down to his neck and caused her eyes to follow it. His smile grew even larger. ''Morgana... I didn't know that you like seeing men training that much...''

She blushed a deep red, yet still managed to narrow her eyes at him. ''King Cenred, what-''

''I'm just messing with you, my dear, calm down!'', he put his hands up in surrender, half laughing. Under her iron gaze, his sweet mood slowly burned down. An apologetic look was fast to take its place. ''I'm sorry, Lady Morgana, I just thought-''

''You know, I hate those jokes of you.'', her voice was low and cold, it caused a shiver to run down his spine. He bowed his head in respect and sorrow. Her next words caught him by surprise. ''They remind me of happier times. I miss them.''

A glimpse of playfulness was quick to hide into her emerald eyes, yet not before he could see it. A small smile spread on his features. ''I'm glad I can remind you of those times, my Lady. Keep in mind that new, better times are to come.'', he took small unsure steps towards her and he found courage in her stillness. ''Especially now that the King has returned. The burden of the crown is finally off your shoulders.''

She never thought that the finality of it would fill her with sorrow. She never thought that the return of the King would make her miss him even more. She never thought that the void deep in her would grow even larger, so much that the fear of it swallowing her whole was real.

''Yes.'', she finally said. In his words she could find hope and that was the thing she had missed the most. A great man giving her great hope. ''I suppose you're right.''

They shared a smile that only lasted for the briefest of moments. Then, he wiped his sweat off his temple with the back of his hand as she turned away with a greet.

''Morgana!'', his shout sounded desperate, as if she was slipping off his fingers. Her curiosity made her turn and face him. His smile was small yet sincere. His deep brown eyes were looking right through her as his broad chest kept heaving up and down. He was a handsome man, she had to admit. _Not as handsome as-_ ''I can't wait for tomorrow.''

Her silence lingered between them for a few moments. It pained her that she couldn't return his feelings to the fullest. She could marry him, offer him her affection and company, yet never her love. That was another man's treasure and she could deny it to all but her heart.

''Good luck, Cenred.'', she spoke softly and smiled. Morgana let herself breathe once again after a few long steps away from him.

If she was being honest with herself, she was hoping for him to win the tournament. For anyone but _him_. She had to put some distance between them and after their last interaction, she knew, deep inside her soul she knew, if she didn't it would lead to her doom. And her neck, she wanted to keep it free of any gibbet tightly wrapped around it.

* * *

* * *

Her steps were heavy when she reached her chambers, a tired look all over her pale face. It didn't surprise her to find Merlin in there, tidying around.

''I hope you're not spring cleaning this time... Last time it was a complete disaster.'', she smirked in response to his glare and hid herself behind the para-van to change into cleaner clothes.

''Oh, I'm sorry, _your Majesty_, I didn't know I was such a _disorderly_ of a person!'', he huffed in annoyance as her blue satin dress landed on his head. ''And to think I taught you everything you know... I still don't understand why I shouldn't use magic to clean this messy room of yours!''

His childish complaints made her laugh even more. She made herself comfortable on one of her chairs and let him run her hairbrush all over her silky hair. ''You know why, my wise mentor. And besides, you've began too comfortable in your skin. I think Freya would like you even more if those muscles of yours were bigger...''

She felt his moves still and her smirk grew even wider. ''I don't know what Freya has to do with any of my... muscles...''. Her chest shook in happier notes and she only succeeded in calming herself down after a fierce tug on her hair and Merlin's grown of her name. ''Morgana! Spare me for once, for God's sake!''

She took the hairbrush and his hands of her hair, chuckling in the progress. ''Alright, alright, I'll stop! Please, going bald isn't on my wish list!''

With a playful sigh, he let go of her locks and made himself comfortable across her, offering himself a cup of water. A few silent moments passed, where he stood to admire her.

In the few years they had known each other, they had grew to be almost inseparable. She had grown to be the sister he always wished for and he, the brother she always needed. It was a couple of months after the King's disappearance and the late King had grown all the more mad and frightening than he was before. And for Morgana, a young woman whose life depended on her luck, things could only get worse. He would still regret the few times he had listened to Gaius' advice and had not interfered in her misery. And to think that all it took for them to grow closer for him to find her in the woods, cold and afraid, curling into a ball on the autumn leaves. Teaching her to control her gift was the least he could do for her to trust him again. And things were going perfect from that moment on. They would sneak into the woods at night and she would learn to control the air, the water, the fire and the earth. He would be amazed each time by her powers and her determination to control the most precious part of her. And then, there were times he would feel a slight fear in his veins at the divine view of her, but he always forced himself to push that ridiculous fear aside and concentrate on her sweet smile and pure eyes.

_Her powers are great, Merlin. Fear the moment she loses herself, for there will be no going back. _

The raging flames _that_ day were pure proof of the dragon's words. Luck was by her side, but only because Uther was too busy with executions to deal with her growing pain and rage. Locking her in the dungeons, a few cells away from the druids, had proven wise. For her sake.

_Keep her under control._

''Hey!'', suddenly, he found himself sitting in her chambers, right across from her with a cup full of water in his hands. He blinked, once, twice, before offering a soft smile. ''Penny for your thoughts?'', she gently asked,

''I have news from Freya.''

That completely caught her attention, as she sat on the edge of her seat, waiting for his next words. ''And?'

This time a heavy breath left his lips. ''I fear that something is going to happen.''

She frowned, confused. ''Why? Did anything happen with the Druids?''

''No, no, they... they are extremely quiet, to be exact.''

''Well, that shouldn't be a problem. They are peaceful people, after all.''

He nodded, deep in thoughts. ''Yes...''

She eyed him suspiciously, taking a sip of her wine. ''You're not telling me all that there is, are you?''

Merlin stayed quiet for a few seconds, trying to decide if he should voice all that was troubling him or not. ''Well...'', he sighed, biting on his lips.

The silent woman cast him an observing look. If she had any experience of the man in front of her, it was that he never kept his thoughts to himself around her. Only when it came to one person alone... ''It's about Arthur, isn't it?''

His blue orbs filled with guilt. ''I'm sorry, Morgana... They think that... he's no better than his father.''

To say that it came as a surprise, she would be clearly lying to herself. If she knew anything for sure, then that would be that her secret alliance with the Druids had turned into a hope for them to have peace, with her on the throne. And it only caused her guilt to grow all the more...

_Oh, Arthur._ _It seems we're destined to betray one another, time and time again._

The fact that his words the only day didn't promise her the smallest of hopes, only served in the fall of her shoulders to be even greater.

She ran a tired hand over her face, sighing her frustration away. ''If there is a God out there, I hope he's listening...'', she loudly prayed as silent tears started to fall.

In an instant, the feeling of his arms around her became her comforting shelter. She let herself free to cry away every burden of her soul, while he kept whispering soothing nothings.

_Lately_, she thought, _I find myself crying on his shoulder more than ever before. And to think his return was what I was praying for..._

* * *

* * *

''You seem quite excited for a girl you haven't seen in three years.'', Gwaine voiced his thoughts, as his brown orbs followed Arthur around the room. The King's tiny smile couldn't be hidden behind his trimmed beard, nor his rapid moves under his stoic facial features.

''Well, my friend, you wouldn't understand.''

The man by the window narrowed his eyes at the King. His suspicion was rising at dangerous levels. If he was that excited for a woman he himself hadn't meet, then what about- ''I thought your love for Morgana was greater than any occasional fling...''

At the sound of her name, the King froze. The servant boy beside him blushed a deep red and lowered his head in shame when Arthur cast him a glare. ''You're free to go, Elyan, I can manage from here on.'', the boy smiled gratefully and left with a bow, leaving the two men alone.

Gwaine sensed the heavy air between them and smirked, making no effort to hide it. The King neared him with slow predator steps and a confident glare. It only caused his smirk to grow wider.

The King raised a finger towards his friend's face. ''You,'', his voice was low and warning. He knew he had hit a sensitive cord voicing her name. ''will not use her in this way. Ever.'', he took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. Gwaine stayed silent and he was grateful for that. ''This woman helped me in a difficult time of my life, when I felt lost and afraid. She showed my things I wasn't even aware about. She... She offered me the greatest gift of my life.''

His friend raised an eyebrow. ''Is she-''

''Yes.'', he cut him off. ''And I don't want to talk about it any more. You'll soon see her after all.''

Gwaine sighed. ''Alright, then, your Highness. What about Morgana, then? Does she know your relationship with this woman?'', in his silence he found his answer. His famous smirk lit up his features once again. ''Oh, Arthur, that's dirty playing...''

''No!'', he rushed to explain. A grown escaped his lips as his hands ran through his hair. ''It's just that I'll have to explain how I met her, because she will obviously have questions and I can't do this right now...''

Gwaine laughed at his poor excuse. ''Oh come on, Arthur, do you think I'm stupid? Morgana won't even look at you, let alone question your familiarities with any other woman! You know that's not the deal. Or, maybe, it's part of it.''

Arthur once again glared at him. ''You wouldn't understand.''

''No, I wouldn't.'', he rose from his seat and stood in front of him. ''If I were you, I would tell her how I feel. I would even kiss her! You've kissed before, haven't you?'', in his silence and glowing eyes, he smiled. ''Well then, maybe I'd do even more than just kissing then... She's slipping right off your fingers and I think that curly boy is already making a better job than you've ever did.''

In the sight of the King's jaw firming, his friend knew he had once again hit a sensitive cord.

Arthur stared at his feet for a long moment. He wanted to do many things, plenty of which would cause her sweet blush to swallow her whole. Yet, he had promised himself to give her space. To give _himself_ space. They needed this. And he also had to figure out where they had gone wrong. What exactly had changed in those three years that had caused her spirit to break. He needed to understand her and what she had gone through. And having her around him only served in testing his willpower to not hold her and kiss her till her lips would turn purple.

He looked at his friend with a stoic look. ''You're not me.''

With that, he turned around and walked out of his chambers.

Walking down the halls, towards the dining room, he let himself sigh freely.

_He only hoped that he was doing the right thing..._

* * *

* * *

As Morgana was nearing the dining room, Merlin's voice was just starting to get on her nerves.

''You should take some rest, you've exhausted yourself. I'm sure the King won't-''

''Merlin!'', her roar made him abruptly stop just a step away from her. She was glaring his way and he knew he had pushed her, maybe too hard... ''I said I'm alright. I have to eat, anyway.'', she sighed, feeling the start of a headache slowly taking over. ''Besides, I'm curious to meet this lady.''

Her friend exhaled in annoyance, but before he could mutter a word, she had signaled the guards to open the doors.

She was glad to see Mithian waiting for her. She was seated in Arthur's right side, while at his left, a woman with dirty blonde hair, similar to his, was casually laughing and chatting with him.

Slowly, she took her seat across him and greeted Mithian with a smile, while stealing some glances towards the King. Once she raised her cup to drink, though, he turned towards her and smiled an honest and sweet smile. She froze for a second, before returning it.

''Morgana. I hope you had a nice day.'', his voice was low and soothing and caused a hot feeling down in her abdomen.

''I did, your Highness, thank you.'', she smiled politely. She tried to focus her eyes on him but she still stole glances towards the woman beside him, who hadn't yet turned her way.

Arthur, of course, noticed that. ''Morgana, this is Lady Morgause, a very dear friend of mine.'', he introduced her at last. Then only the blonde woman turned to face her, a sweet charming smile was already formed on her lips. Morgana felt her breath getting caught in her throat. Those deep brown eyes... ''Morgause, this is the Lady Morgana. She was... is one of my most important counselors.''

And while Arthur was biting his lips for the words he had just muttered, the two women were intensely watching each other.

_''It's been a long time, Lady Morgana.''_

Morgana sat frozen in her seat, a sudden breath escaped her full lips.

_Was that the woman's voice she had just heard in her mind?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry for the long delay! I had lost my inspiration but finally yesterday it got back, so today I finished this promising long chapter! Even though it seems more like a filler, it's far more important that it looks like. I'm so excited to see your comments about it! Take care everyone! <3


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